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How to Rebuild New Orleans in One Year, With Money Left Over
Gerard Vanderleun has a modest proposal:Dear World, Greetings. It has come to our attention that we haven't really been at the top of your Christmas list for some time now. Like some spouse that has become too used to having the good life, you've decided you need your space. And we are here to give it to you. We gave you a lot during the last 50 years in terms of direct aid, the Marshall Plan, the continuing defense of Europe during the Cold War, all sorts of loans never paid back, and many billions and billions more in private charity and donations above and beyond what our government has done for you with our money. Alas, it wasn't enough for you. Like a teenage stoner with an unlimited American Express card, you've always needed more. Even when your own economies were robust enough to give you the 30 hour week and the whole month of August off, we still couldn't pony up enough to keep you in beer, skittles and fromage. This situation has made us poorer than we would otherwise have been. There are a lot of things here at home we could have spent the money on -- schools, infrastructure, scholarships, lower taxes, aid to dependent children, and the kind of local American charities that always need help. We hope you'll understand when we say we need just a little year of working the "Charity begins at home" concept in order to catch up. It's also more than a little depressing to wake up every day and find that the New York Times (your voice in America) blathering on and on about how stingy and uncaring we are. Whew, we just can't get no respect. Hence, we are taking the year off not only to save many, many billions, but for a time of reflection and boosting of the old "self-esteem." After all, you can't help others unless you feel good about yourself. And let's face it, how can you other nations (Egypt,EU, Africa, South America, Mexico, and all the worthy, struggling and proud totalitarian Islamic states) feel good about yourself when all you do is push your shabby stolen grocery carts around Washington hoping for a hand-out? You need to have a little time to develop some self-reliance. We realize now that in protecting you and the world's markets, and keeping everybody out there from just killing everybody else, we've robbed you of the chance to determine your own destiny. For many of you, your destiny seems to be death, slavery, boredom, or some bizarre combination of all three. Hey, we guess you've gotta just go for the gusto. Therefore, as Americans, we've decided to take a break and bag the world for exactly one year. All foreign aid is going to become internal aid. All charitable giving is going to be directed at deserving institutions and individuals inside the United States. All profits made by US companies will be only be allowed to be reinvested in facilities within the United States. We'll be running trade on the one dollar in one dollar out basis, so if you want to come out of this year with favored nation status, you'd best have your Visa card out. For those of you with a lot of your people already living here in the United States and sending money back, well, there's going to be a litle interruption in remittances for a year, but you can just raise taxes on your own people to take up the slack. Enjoy. Our military men will all be returning home to spend more time with their families. (Time for all you Iraqis to man up and get those guns locked and loaded.) As Americans, we never want to do anything to interfere with our own super-rich and their freedom, so there will be a bit of slack around the edges. Foreign tourism, for example, will not be eliminated but will be socked with a 225% surcharge for any spending done outside the United States. It will be a great time to, as they used to say, "See the USA in your Chevrolet." (Oh yes, foreign automobiles will have, for one year, a 300% tariff on their purchase.) Oil? We'll be drilling the entire states of Alaska, California, Texas, and Oklahoma for one year. After which we'll clean them up better than before. (Eco-nuts protesting this will be given honory Swedish citizenship and deported by kayak.) But if we need extra oil and we ask, you'd better think twice before you say no. We'll always have enough in the strategic petroleum reserve for B-52's and our carrier groups. If we have to send them out, they will be, we promise you, in a very bad mood. Very bad. But, hey, it's a free world. Make our day. We hope this message is taken in the spirit of love and friendship in which it was written. After all, we're founded on the proposition that all men are created equal. Go get equal. We'll be back. Hugs, The United States of America P.S. Since all of our Armed Forces, conventional and nuclear, will be either ready for instant deployment, or on station as ballistic missile submarines around the world (No, we're not going to tell you where.), don't get any funny ideas. Play nice. P.P.S. We almost forgot. For the purposes of this note, Israel will become the 51st State for one year. Be cool. Posted by: too true 2005-09-05 |
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