(2006-05-03) — As the news broke that 9/11 conspirator Zacarias Moussaoui had escaped the death penalty, al Qaeda leader Usama Bin Laden released an audiotape declaring that he had decided, as a goodwill gesture, to commute the death sentences of the 3,000 victims of 9/11.

“We are grateful for the charity shown to Zacarias, our would-be martyr, by the Great Satan,” said Mr. Bin Laden, using the traditional term of endearment for the United States. “Therefore, I have retroactively issued orders for the hijackers to avoid colliding with the buildings and to return the planes to the control of their crews. May Allah, the merciful, be praised.”