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So You’re Coming to the Sandbox
EFL

This article is in the grand tradition of posts describing simulations of military life in some sorts or another. I think the first US type of this genre is a letter written from a blockade sailor to his mother in the Civil War. Details of the letter are in Shelby Foote’s Masterpiece on the war.
From LT Smash 24 July 2003

The rest of you can read the following valuable guide on how to prepare for a deployment to The Sandbox:

Medical Readiness

Go to the hospital, and sit for about five hours in the waiting room.

Have your physician run every medical test known to man. Especially the painful or embarrassing ones.

Request every immunization they have, all at once—regardless of whether you’re up to date.

If you have any serious medical conditions, have the doctor say “Oh, it’s nothing to worry about,” and sign a waiver.

Camp Life

Rip out any vegetation you have in your back yard.

Cover the yard in several feet of sand. Build a sand berm around the perimeter tall enough to block your view of the outside world. Have an armed sentry patrol the berm 24 hours a day. Nobody enters or leaves without authorization.

Cover the sand with a three-inch layer of gravel.

In the upwind corner, place a single port-a-potty. Attach a heater to ensure that it remains above 100F inside at all times. Don’t have it serviced until it is at least two-thirds full.

In the downwind corner of the yard, pitch a large tent. Invite eight to ten people to camp with you, at least three of whom snore loudly.

Sleep on military issue cots. If you don’t have any, a 2’ X 6’ piece of plywood should be an adequate substitute.

Assign radically different working schedules to each of your tent mates, at least twelve to sixteen hours a day. Ensure that each person makes plenty of noise and bumps into at least two occupied cots when entering and leaving the tent.

Place the generator as close to the tent as possible. Connect the generator exhaust directly to the tent ventilation intake.

Set the ventilation system to keep the temperature at about 90F at noon, and 80F at midnight. Assign someone to pour sand into the ventilation ducts at regular intervals.

Recruit a pool of cheap laborers who don’t speak English. Search them for weapons before they enter the camp, and have armed guards follow them everywhere they go.

Set up a chow tent, and have the foreign laborers prepare and serve the same meals every day. Lunch must always include hot dogs. Everyone must eat at least one MRE in lieu of a hot meal each day—preferably the one that they like the least.

Attach a leaky shower nozzle to the end of your garden hose. Connect the hose to your hot water heater, and set it to 120F. Set it up on a pole in a tent, and have everyone stand in line to take four-minute showers. The fattest and ugliest of these people should not be wearing a towel, or shower shoes.

Turn off the showers at random intervals. Use baby wipes to keep clean.

Morale, Welfare, and Recreation

Have your loved ones mail letters and packages. Hold onto them for at least a month before distributing, and lose some altogether. Any breakables in the packages should be properly destroyed, and all food should be melted, crumbled or spoilt by the time the packages are opened.

Put up fliers for a USO show at “another camp” with celebrities, rappers, rock stars, country singers, NFL cheerleaders, and Wayne Newton. Schedule it for a time when nobody at your “camp” can attend.

Set up a morale tent, with a television. Tune it into a satellite channel that runs the lowest rated programs on television, with low budget public service announcements instead of commercials. Take a vote on which movies to show each night, then play something that nobody wants to watch.

Spread rumors every day about when you’re supposed to go home. Shoot down the good rumors, and confirm the bad ones.

Weapons Training

Bury all of your weapons in a sandbox.

Take them out, disassemble, clean, and lubricate.

Go to the weapons range and fire a couple of hundred rounds.

Repeat until you can do this three times in a row without a single weapons jam or misfire.

Admin Training

Take a blank piece of paper.

Write “TURN OVER AND FOLLOW INSTRUCTIONS ON REVERSE” on the front.

Flip it over, and write the same on the opposite side.

Follow the instructions on the paper.

If this gives you a headache, slam your head against the table until you feel better.

Acclimatization Training

Dress out in complete Desert Combat Utilities with the sleeves rolled down. Put on your helmet, flak jacket, and load-bearing vest with full combat load. Now you’re ready to rock n’ roll!

Set up a portable generator so that the exhaust vent faces the afternoon sun. Turn it on. Stand in the exhaust stream. Feel that refreshing breeze?

Have someone dump bags of very fine sand (talcum powder is an acceptable substitute) in front of the generator exhaust vent. Breathe in deep.

Ah, life in the desert!

Posted by: Penguin 2003-07-27
http://www.rantburg.com/poparticle.php?ID=16978