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High College Costs Driven by Global Warming, Researchers Say
Thomas F. BertonneauA parody . . . we hope! Researchers at California State University, Van Nuys, and Michigan Central Teacher College of Farwell reported this week that global warming is the primary cause of both declining academic performance among North American college undergraduates and the rising costs associated with a baccalaureate degree. The three-week-long multiple-perspective study was undertaken by assistants for the Senior-Level Sub-Dean of Diversity Quotas in Environmental Studies at CSUVN and four tenured members of the Alternative Literacies [sic] Program at MCTCF. The team systematically surveyed multiple self-evaluations and statistical-anecdotal probability memoranda culled from a wide variety of auto-probative and theosophical sources appearing in carefully vetted blogs posted on the Internet since February. This is one of the most exhaustive studies of its kind to be carried out by institutions of our accreditation-level, in California or Michigan, during the past seventeen and a half months, said Dr. Michelle Mausse, a CSUVN Diverse Arts Practical Instructor, who is acting co-chair of the project, and supervising gender-fairness editor of the semi-final quasi-executive summary of the projects yet-to-be-published report. Mausse also said that a surprising side-result of the consortiums monumental data-collection effort was a strong indication that an expected storm of irate denials inspired by and aimed at the report would almost certainly exacerbate global warming, thereby degrading student performance even further and raising the price of a college education even higher. When a reporter asked why Mausse anticipated such a belligerent reception for her findings, she replied, Given the cutting-edge status of our conclusions and the transgressive methods employed during our strenuous three weeks of research, you can bet that Bill OReilly and Fox News will be working overtime to sap public confidence in our assertions. According to Mausse, the best way to prevent such obfuscation would be to reinstate the Fairness Doctrine, ban SUVs, and approach North Korea with an environmentally friendly attitude. . . . When the report sees print, it will include five key policy recommendations. *Keep as much of Canada as possible frigid and uninhabitable for the next ten thousand years. *Get people in Des Moines to act cooler like people in Portland, say, or Seattle. *Reinstate Rosie ODonnell on The View. *Use less toilet paper only one sheet per visit. *Mandatory goddess-worship. Mausse sees a connection between the problems she investigates and, perhaps surprisingly, the current debate over immigration. She even sees an opportunity to bring conservatives, who tend to take a skeptical position on global warming, to her point of view. Referring to the second-to-last policy recommendation, she says, As we learn to use less and less toilet paper per visit, there will be fewer and fewer people from foreign countries wanting to come to the United States and people born in this country will find more value than ever in the soft vellum of their expensively purchased college diplomas. The blog this came from has no permalink to this item. To read the whole thing, which is screaming hilarious, scroll down to the first item under Monday, August 13. Posted by: Mike 2007-08-14 |
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