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Comparing The Candidatesâ Service Records
The best comedy is based on the truth:According to the Democrats, John Kerry was a natural jungle fighter. He was usually spotted along the Mekong, leaping ashore from his frail craft, clad only in a colourful bandanna and a loincloth, trailing belts of ammunition, firing two M50 machine guns from each athletic hip. Although repeatedly wounded, he carried his men to safety on his back, along with his boat. When his broad chest could no longer accommodate any more medals, he reluctantly limped home, there selflessly to alert Congress to the problems of the Vietnam War. President George W. Bush, on the other hand, skulked in the safety of the Texas National Guard, until the day he slipped into womenâs clothing and deserted to Alabama, presumably in search of moonshine. Of his way with livestock in Alabama in 1972, the Democrats refuse to speculate. To describe the president as an alcoholic, transvestite hog-fancier would be to lower the tone of the election to that of their opponents. Also Bush never flew that plane onto the aircraft carrier, and he had several pairs of pantiehose stuffed down the crotch of that flight suit anyway. According to the Republicans, Kerry only carried his men on his back in Vietnam as human shields. His "wounds" may have been obtained by slamming his thumb in a car door. Once safely back in America as an admiralâs "friend", he betrayed his former comrades by denouncing them to Congress as war criminals. Of his three in a bed relationship with the traitor Hanoi Jane Fonda, and the rumours of their "love child", the Republicans refuse to speculate, lest the election get down to the lesbian baked bean wrestling level of their opponents. President Bush, however, served with distinction in the Texas National Guard Air Force. He appreciated immediately that with so many men like Kerry loitering overseas, attempting to blow their thumbs off with car doors, Americaâs borders were virtually undefended. To suggest that the president was at all times "out of danger" is risible. His critics are invited to try flying an F-102 upside down along the Mexican border with tequila bottles rattling around the cockpit. It is noteworthy that during President Bushâs tour of duty, the Mexican invasion of the United States did not take place. Indeed, the Mexicans withdrew their fighting forces, and the entire civilian population, from any area over which President Bushâs Starfighter might have weaved. President Bush was subsequently involved in significant undercover work in Alabama, possibly to prepare a rear defence zone against any Mexican incursion. He did so fly that plane and there was nothing down his pants but a letter from his loving and only wife (unlike some folk). A long letter. He goes on to discuss first names, hair and toasters. Posted by: Steve 2004-02-25 |
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