(2004-03-16) -- In the wake of claims by Democrat presidential candidate John Forbes Kerry that foreign leaders hope he wins the White House, President George Bush today said "unnamed foreign leaders told me they want me to clean Kerry’s clock, you know, to fix his wagon."

"They can’t go out and say this publicly," Mr. Bush said, "but boy they look at you and say, ’You’ve got to pummel this wishy-washy appeaser. You’ve got to spank him with the buckle end of the belt’. Of course, I can’t tell you who said that, but them foreigners want me to put a hurt on him."

Mr. Bush, like Mr. Kerry, spends hours every day chatting with foreign leaders to find out what kind of American foreign policy will be most popular with them. And while Mr. Kerry speaks fluent French thanks to childhood summers spent at a family estate in Brittany, Mr. Bush speaks Spanish and Pig Latin, which he calls "the new Esperanto...the global language of diplomacy."

"You wouldn’t believe some of things my foreign buddies have told me about Enator-say Erry-kay," said Mr. Bush. "It’s all on the Q.T., of course."