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Iran Slams UN Nuclear Text, Demands Changes
from Rooters
How dare you! We are Holy Men! See these Black Turbans? The United States says Iranâs nuclear program is a front to build an atomic bomb, but Tehran denies this. The draft resolution will be debated at a meeting of the Vienna-based International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA) beginning on Monday. Lying Lies by Liars! The draft deplores Iranâs failure to cooperate fully with a U.N. investigation into suspicions that Tehran might have a covert nuclear weapons program. Diplomats said Iran wants sections cut or changes to soften the wording. "The draft reflects American and some European countriesâ stances," Iranâs chief nuclear negotiator Hassan Rohani told Iranian state television. "If the board does not make necessary changes, it means the Europeans are ignoring their commitments," Rohani said. "It will influence Iranâs decision (on cooperation)." Oops? Did he say âcommitmentsâ? Why I believe he did... Odd word... [sniff, sniff] Do I smell a deal? But several diplomats said the Iranians were pleased the text contained no trigger mechanism for the 35-nation IAEA board to report Tehran to the U.N. Security Council for possible sanctions in the event Iranâs cooperation remained sluggish. Whew! So, since Elbaradei is still âboughtâ, we can play rope-a-dope some more. Iran insists its nuclear ambitions are limited to generating electricity and wants a softening of the draft to reflect that. The text was sent to IAEA board members earlier this week. Of course! Our oil reserves are only good for another 90 years - we must plan ahead! And besides, we are Holy Men so you must believe whatever lame shit we serve up. Diplomats said Iran also seeks the removal of a section that calls on Iran to end operation of a uranium conversion facility and reverse its decision to begin constructing a heavy water research reactor that would produce weapons-useable plutonium. No, no - we want heavy water for our, um, Olympic swimming pool. It helps our atheletes train. Yeah, thatâs it. "THEY WILL REGRET THIS DECISION" Iranâs influential ex-President Akbar Hashemi Rafsanjani told worshippers at Friday prayers in Tehran that the draft appeared to be the result of a European-U.S. conspiracy. "The draft resolution shows that the Europeans and Americans have agreed on one point -- which is that Iran should be totally deprived its peaceful nuclear activities," Rafsanjani said. Itâs not fair! We wanna be somebody - only nukes get respect! "If it is true, they will regret this decision. We assure them that Iran will not abandon its right," he added. It is a right! Why? Cuz, um, cuz it just is! A non-aligned diplomat told Reuters Iran would have trouble convincing the Non-Aligned Movement (NAM) to soften the text, given it is based almost verbatim on a report on Iran prepared by IAEA chief Mohamed ElBaradei -- although Rohani denied this. More Lies! (I though we already bought this guy!?!??) "We canât be seen to be contradicting (ElBaradeiâs) report," said the diplomat. European and NAM states make up the majority of the board. Curses! Russia, which plans to build a $800-million atomic power plant for Iran at Bushehr, praised Tehran but warned it could scrap the project if Iran failed to cooperate with the IAEA. "Russia will abandon its work in Bushehr if Iran refuses to be transparent or violates any IAEA requirements," Russiaâs Interfax news agency quoted President Vladimir Putin as telling reporters at this weekâs G8 summit on Sea Island. Yes, we support the IAEA and the UN and Intâl Law and all of that "But so far it has not happened, and Iran is fulfilling all the demands. So there is no need to give up our cooperation." Keep the money coming, boys! Further undermining Iranâs support on the board are revelations that Tehranâs advanced P-2 centrifuge program may have been planned on a massive scale and not as a tiny "research and development" project as Iran insists, diplomats said. Must be a problem with the bereaucracy - we told them only to build one plant - we have 16 you say? Wow, somebodyâs gonna catch hell for this... This could generate enough weapons grade uranium for several nuclear warheads a year, one diplomat said. You shoulda bought me, too. The ThugMullocracy is dancing as fast as it can. Somebody has convinced them that they canât really be held accountable and, should that happen, it would be too late - theyâd have their precious nuke and their manhoods would swell to such proportions as to amaze the world. Uh, huh. Right. Tick... Tock... Posted by: .com 2004-06-12 |
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