It’s a pity we can’t see footage of the John Kerry rally at Radio City Music Hall, but you can certainly imagine its solemn majesty. The spotlit flag. The stirring sight of America’s celebrities standing with their hands over their hearts as the national anthem was played. A few witty remarks from our beloved jesters poking fun at Osama and Saddam, capped off with a spirited speech by Kerry: "We face an enemy who has sworn the end of the very freedoms we hold dear, and we will not stop until that enemy has no haven, no power, no weapons, no words to utter save those of surrender. This is America, and united we will win." What a night!

Of course, it didn’t happen. You got Whoopi Goldberg making jokes about her crotch. You had Chevy Chase calling the president as "dumb as an egg timer" — a knee-slapper he also used against Howard Stern in 1992. Paul Newman took the stage to call the tax cuts "borderline criminal." Letting people keep more of their money: a criminal act. (Note to self: Go shoplift some of Newman’s dressing. For the people!) Then John Mellencamp sang a very special song about a tyrant, a "cheap thug" who "sacrifices our young." George W. Bush, of course.

Hey, it’s not hate if it’s true! Noted international expert and serial insult-recycler Chase expanded on his remarks after the event: "I’m frightened by Bush, if you want to know the truth. He’s a narcissist, as are we all. But, eh, he’s managed to, ah, you know, form a few hate groups into a, ah, an entire Islamic jihad, and I, ah, I don’t trust him."

We expect artists to say things like this because when it comes to smarts — well, if the cue card said "as egg as dumb timers," they’d say it. And it brings to mind the age-old question: Why are most artists liberals? Well, we’re told, they’re in touch with the creative side of life, not the death-dealing, money-obsessed side like conservatives. Naturally this makes them more compassionate and sensitive, and these are the hallmarks of post-McGovern liberalism.