I received the following urgent e-mail communique:

From: "Mary Beth Cahill, Kerry-Edwards 2004"
Subject: Don't yield an inch to George Bush
Date: 11 Aug 2004 10:34:01 PDT

Dear Friend,
Actually, m'am, I don't believe we've ever met.

... except for that night in Des Moines. It was springtime. We were both young — too young...

I'm interrupting John Kerry's dispatches from the road to tell you about something that will make you angry, but which is important for you to hear.
Will it make me angrier than Kerry's dispatches from the road? I'm not sure I could bear that.

I'll get the gin. That'll make it easier... Olive or onion?

We knew it was coming: the Bush campaign and several allied right-wing groups are using August to launch a vicious smear attack against John Kerry.

"August was supposed to be our month to launch vicious smear attacks against Bush. It's just not fair!"

They think we're vulnerable this month because while George Bush is still able to raise money for attack ads, Kerry had to stop fundraising at the Democratic convention last week. They're taking this opportunity to go for the jugular.
I thought I'd read somewhere that you had raised more money than the Republicans? Oh, well--Thank goodness for the 527 groups then!

"We're saving our jugular attack for late October, so we'll need the money more then..."

We need you to join us in this fight today by supporting the Democratic Party.
I must forewarn you: This is highly unlikely.

How's the skiing in Hell these days?

The worst of the current wave of attacks is coming from a Republican-funded group called "Swift Boat Veterans for Truth."
In what sense is the group "Republican-funded"?

Somebody who wasn't George Soros hit the tip jar...

(I'll call them by a more accurate name: Swift Boat Veterans for Bush.)
So, you're saying that "for Truth" and "for Bush" are interchangeable? That confirms my previous suspicion.

Y'know, now that I think about it... Good idea.

The group is led by a longtime Republican operative and financed by GOP contributors with strong ties to George Bush.
By that token, then, MoveOn.org and "Fahrenheit 911" are Democratic fronts?

Yeah, but they're not against Kerry...

Its function in the overall Republican strategy is this: tear down John Kerry since Bush has no record or vision to run on.
They've adopted John Kerry's strategy?

Their strategy might also be described as showing John Kerry to be a self-serving poltroon. Semantics, semantics...

The swift boat ad is full of lies. Thirteen men who never served with John Kerry lie about knowing him and viciously attack his record. It is a new low for the Republicans.
I've expressed my skepticism about some of the claims of the SWVFT. But it's untrue that these men never served with Kerry. All of them were in his unit. As they're are all officers, it would be rather much to ask that they'd have served on the same boat as Kerry, seeing as how Kerry was the only officer on the boat. It was after all a tiny boat commanded by a Lieutenant, Junior Grade. That's the equivalent to the rank I had as an Army platoon leader. No other officer served "with me" either, by your standard.

It's a variation on the "the witnesses are all dead" argument. Except that they're not dead. Inconvenient, that...

Every time they have attacked us like this, it has only made us stronger.
Then what's the problem? That would be a good thing from your perspective, no?

So don't worry. Be happy.

When they ran dishonest attack ads (like the unbelievable new one on the air right now),
If it's unbelievable then, presumably, people won't believe it. So, again, what's the problem?
thousands of new supporters flocked to our campaign to give us the resources we need to fight back on the airwaves.
But I thought Kerry wasn't allowed to raise any more money because of the evil Republican plot to follow the campaign rules?

Speaking of fighting back on the airwaves, what's Al Franken doing these days?

Now that the general election has begun, they're hoping things are different. They're going to be sorely disappointed because we are not alone. The Democratic National Committee is well prepared to take on this fight.
Excellent. So you won't be needing any money, right?
And therefore I'm asking you: everything you did for our campaign, please do now for our Democratic Party. Give the party the resources it needs to fight against these right-wing attacks:
You're confusing me, friend. I thought you were already well prepared. Plus, you're not allowed to take any money because the convention is over. So wouldn't you get in trouble if I sent you money?

You said you don't need it, because being hit back only makes you stronger. So I think I'll spend the money on beer...

The Democratic Party is responsible for putting organizers and volunteers into the field and turning out the millions of votes we need to win. We literally cannot win this election without the party.
Well, yes, by definition.

Y'can't have breakfast without a cook. You can't drive a car without a driver. You can't elect Dems without a well-greased machine...

You and I know that if we so much as yield an inch to George Bush and the Republicans this month, we'll live to regret it.
How do you know that? You might be hit by a bus or something. Let's hope not.

Yes, you'll never win an election by showing that you could do things better. You can't win on policy differences, so ad hominem's the way to go. But don't worry too much. The dead people are still solidly Dem. They just don't contribute much. But that's probably the next step. I mean, who looks at donor rolls to see if the guy's still alive?

In fact, we may live to regret it for four long years. Join with me in supporting the Democratic Party today.

Since I'm sober today, I'll have to pass...

Thank you,

Mary Beth Cahill
I was actually going to send you $87 billion. But now I'm not.