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Pentagon Confirms Mattis Spent Experience Points to Unlock New Skill Tree
At a press briefing today a Pentagon spokesperson confirmed speculative reports that Secretary of Defense James Mattis utilized a new power move to thwart an attempt on his life earlier this week when Taliban forces in Kabul launched a rocket attack against him as he boarded his C-130 transport plane. Army Colonel William Rotman said that "Initially, Secretary Mattis came under fire on the tarmac of Hamid Karzai International Airport and Rug Emporium. Although his escort of Shaolin warrior-monks were able to snatch the speeding missiles from the air before they landed, the Secretary chose that event to test out a new ability he'd spent his most recent skill points on. After seconds of reflection on all possible outcomes and their probabilities he immediately warped space and time backwards two hours in order to exit safely and transit home with no loss of life or unanticipated flayings of low-level enemy fighters." This new ability comes as a shock to defense experts as Mattis has previously focused on melee attacks and leadership buffs, typically abstaining from health regeneration or armor bonuses. "I'm not a tanker," Mattis declared, as he waited for the mandatory twenty-four hour ability cooldown period to conclude, "I rely on speed and let my corpsmen patch me up when things get hairy. I know very well there isn't a piece of armor in the world that can stop a maxed-out Tripoli Knife-Hand stacked with Chesty's Glare of Doom locked in macro repeat. I assure our country that I still believe the best defense is a good offense." Posted by: Frank G 2017-10-01 |
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