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Kennedy: It's Finally Time To Exit The Oldsmobile (Parody)
Iowahawk Guest Commentary by Senator Edward M. Kennedy Like all Americans, I had high hopes for the future of the Oldsmobile and its passengers, as we struggle against the onrushing water and its poorly-designed shoulder belts. But as claustrophobia sets in we must begin to sober up and face the truth: hope is no longer an option. It is time for us to recognize that our continued presence in this volatile region is a hinderance to the Oldsmobile and its people. Rather than helping the situation we are further weighing down the Oldsmobile, causing it to sink faster and faster into the quagmire of Chappaquidick Bay, creating a dangerous situation for both ourselves as well as its passengers who are desperately seeking an air pocket in which to start a better life. That is why I believe we have reached the point where we must take a deep breath and immediately depart the Oldsmobile. We must seek through the watery darkness and release the belt latch of madness that has kept us here, and reach out for a sane and honorable window crank. Obviously there will be passengers in the Oldsmobile who do not want us to leave, and will likely try to grasp and grab at our feet as we depart. While we wish them success, it is critical that these passengers quickly learn independence and self-determination. The most effective way to teach them is through example, and with a vigorous kick-off. Let us hope they will cherish our shoes as a lasting legacy of our commitment to liberty. And, after we return to the safety of the American shore and phone our lawyer, we must begin to ask the hard questions. How did we get here? The sad answer is that we were sold a lie by Gene Quinlan of Hyannisport Oldsmobile-Buick-GMC. We were told that this Oldsmobile had the Delta 88 Royale option package with 6-way electric seats. We were told that they were sold out of the new '69 Toronado. We were given a choice of a burgundy vinyl roof, but never given an exit strategy. We were told, repeatedly, that the Oldsmobile was waterproof and had an automatic pilot system. In short, Gene Quinlan sold us a lie. There will be ample time for us to reflect on the mistakes and lies of the Oldsmobile misadventure, and hold those who were responsible to account. But that is for another day. Now we must focus our energy on getting out before it is too late. Come home, America. Come home. Posted by: .com 2005-01-30 |
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