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Man gets six kidney beans stuck in doinker while trying to 'express' himself
[NYPOST] He was struggling to "pea."
It gets worse.
A randy Michigan man redefined "c-block" after he got six kidney beans lodged in his pea pea urethra during a bizarro attempt at sexual gratification.
Kind of a "pee shooter."
The unnamed 30-year-old patient had reportedly wanted to "express the beans while whacking his pud during ejaculation," according to the wince-worthy report published in the journal Urology Case Funnies Reports.
"Heh heh! Hey Bob! You seen this one?"
So the sexual nut bag eccentric shoved six kidney beans down his dong in his urethra and attempted to shoot them off expel them via blowing his wad "natural emission." However,
facts are stubborn; statistics are more pliable...
 his pea shooter jammed during the process, prompting him to try to remove them with tweezers.
"C'mere, y'little bean boogers! Ow!"
When that failed, he reported to the hospital, where he informed doctors that he was struggling to "pea."
"Ummm... Honey? Im going out for a couple hours!"
"Not again? Those were for dinner, dammit!"
The backed-up bean stalker also admitted it wasn’t his "first time participating in this practice, although he never attempted to utilize this many beans."
"You thought I wasn't gonna notice again, didn't you?"
A subsequent CT scan confirmed that the poor soul harbored six beans in his schlong urethra, which measured 15 mm by 7 mm each. Four were located between the urethral entrance and the urine pouch, while another had strayed all the way into the bladder.
"I SAID YOU'VE GOT A BEAN IN YER BLADDER!"
"YOU'LL HAVE TO SPEAK UP! I'VE GOT A BANANA IN MY EAR!"
After initially failing to extract the urethral infiltrators, medics managed to remove one legume by applying numbing cream to the area and then squeezing the penile passageway, the researchers reported.
"Feel pretty numb now?"
"I've felt number..."
"Does that hurt?"
"ARGH!"
"Hey! How about some warning next time?"
"Sorry, nurse. Here comes another one!"
"AAARRGGGHHH!"
They eradicated the rest of the beans the following day via a complex process that involved holding the man’s urinary entrance open and inserting a great honking tube through which they passed surgical implements.
"Pliers... hammer... chisel... suction... thermite... detonator..."
They then plucked out the taco toppers with a tweezer-like tool and placed them in a basket.
"Clear!... KERPOW!... whimper..."
Despite the highly invasive procedure, the frijole fetishist suffered "minimal" trauma to his urethra and was discharged the following day.
"I'm here to pick up..."
[whimper]
"... him."
*Wipes tears* I’m sure that if they read this, the rabbis would advise the following prayer: Blessed art thou, O Lord our God, Ruler of the universe, who hast made me [female and] not as creative as Mr. Bean.

Posted by: Fred 2021-08-14
http://www.rantburg.com/poparticle.php?ID=609736