Submit your comments on this article |
-Short Attention Span Theater- |
KILL-ROY! |
2004-01-13 |
THE BBC has agreed to reinstate Robert Kilroy-Silk after suspending him for describing Arabs as âsuicide bombers, limb amputators and women repressorsâ. But he has had to agree to new producer guidelines designed to prevent him causing offence to anyone. This column sat in on his comeback show. KILROY: Good morning, everybody. Welcome to the show. Today weâre talking about freedom of speech. My first guest this morning has had a tragic life. He lost an eye and both hands while on missionary work in Afghanistan and has had to subsist on benefits ever since. Please welcome, from the Finsbury Park mosque, Captain Hook. (Loud applause). KILROY: I know this is difficult for you, so take your time. What would you like to say to us? HOOK: Death to the infidel! Death to the Jews! Death to America! Death to the West! (Even louder applause.) KILROY: Youâre clearly very upset and thatâs understandable. I know what you must be going through. Did I mention Iâm part Irish? (AUDIENCE: Death to the infidel! Death to the Jews! Death to America! Death to the West!) KILROY: I feel your pain, I really do. Iâll come back to you later in the show. My next guest is from al-Muhajiroun. What would you like to say to the viewers, sir? AL-MUH: September 11 2001 was a towering day in history â a mighty blow against the Great Satan. It is the duty of the faithful to rise up and join the jihad. (Riotous cheering). KILROY: I can tell emotions are running very high on this issue. AL-MUH: The oppressor must be destroyed. The Jews must be driven into the sea! (Audience goes berserk). KILROY: Well, youâre certainly entitled to your point of view. Iâm sure many, many of the people watching will be able to relate to what you are saying. AL-MUH: Can I just mention that weâre holding a recruiting drive in Tipton on Tuesday? KILROY: Of course you can. Iâm from Birmingham, by the way. (Turns to camera). And donât forget, if youâre watching at home, if youâd like to make a donation to Hezbollah In Need just ring the number at the bottom of your screen. Our operators are standing by. (AUDIENCE: Death to Israel!) KILROY: Letâs welcome our next guest. Itâs a pleasure and a privilege to have on Kilroy, a leading QC, a champion of human rights, wife of the Prime Minister, the Wicked Witch herself, Cherie Booth QC. (Polite hissing from audience) KILROY: Cherie, thanks for coming in. I used to be an MP, too, you know. Like me, youâve got a bit of a reputation for being outspoken on the subject of human rights, havenât you? WW: Yes, Robert, I have. KILROY: And I think, also like me, you got yourself in a bit of hot water over something you said to the Saudi ambassador. WW: All I said, Robert, was that Saudi Arabia had a pretty appalling image in the eyes of the world because of the disgraceful way they treat women. KILROY: What, exactly, did you mean by that? WW: Well, for instance, they wonât let women drive, deny them the vote, deny them property rights. Women in the Arab world are second-class citizens. KILROY: Steady on, Cherie. Thatâs a bit harsh. I can fully understand why our audience might easily take exception. Iâm surprised an intelligent women like you would rush to judgment without knowing all the facts. (AUDIENCE: Death to the Wicked Witch!) WW: What I actually meant to say . . . KILROY: Thatâs enough. I wonât have such vile, offensive language on this show. HOOK: I object to appearing alongside infidels and half- naked harlots. This is a deliberate insult to Islam. KILROY: No offence, Captain. But we do live in a tolerant, multi- racial, multicultural society. HOOK: Not where I come from, we donât. KILROY: What, Finsbury Park? HOOK: Infidel dog! (spits on studio floor). KILROY: My next guest is a young man, Ali, from Salford. Heâs just volunteered to go to work in Jerusalem as a suicide bomber. Thatâs an interesting career choice. ALI: Iâve always wanted to travel and kill Jews. (AUDIENCE: Death to Israel! Death to The West!) KILROY: Good for you, Ali. So many young people are prepared to sit around on their backsides these days. Not like when I was a young, working class lad in the West Midlands, before I became a famous TV personality and newspaper columnist. AL-MUH: We have thousands of martyrs like Ali waiting to bring death to the unbelievers. (AUDIENCE: Kill, Kill, Kill!) KILROY: And they say modern youngsters are only interested in sex, drugs and mobile phones. Thatâs about all weâve got time for. Iâd like to thank all my guests, Captain Hook â good luck with the deportation appeal; al-Muhajiroun â hope the jihad goes well; Ali â come back and see us when you, er, perhaps not. (Sound of sirens. Enter boys in blue.) PLOD: You thought youâd got away with it, chummy, didnât you? Robert Kilroy-Silk, I am arresting you for possession of an offensive suntan. Now stand still while the sergeant chops your arm off. KILROY: See you in the morning. |
Posted by:tipper |
#4 Top class Tipper. Hilarious |
Posted by: BW 2004-1-13 1:04:37 PM |
#3 absolutly brilliant piece that was,had me rolling in lafter,love it. Hail Kilroy! |
Posted by: Jon Shep U.K 2004-1-13 12:26:21 PM |
#2 But he has had to agree to new producer guidelines designed to prevent him causing offence to anyone. What a bunch of sissified chumps. |
Posted by: Bomb-a-rama 2004-1-13 10:21:29 AM |
#1 Kilroy was here :) |
Posted by: The Dodo 2004-1-13 8:47:34 AM |