Austin, TX - In a shocking report that threatens to shake up the nascent 2000 presidential campaign, the Los Angeles Times reported Friday that Texas Governor George W. Bush "failed to die, or even sustain critical combat injuries" while a pilot for the Texas National Guard during the Vietnam War.

The blockbuster disclosure was only one of a number of embarrassing revelations uncovered in the Times report, the news of which continues to reverberate through Washington. "If true, these charges immediately call into question Mr. Bush’s fitness for office," said Democratic National Committee Chairman Roy Romer. "I can only hope that the American people will see the hypocrisy of a non-casualty running for our country’s highest elective office."

The front-page expose was the result of a six-month, $82 million investigation by the Times, which uncovered a raft of unseemly details about the GOP frontrunner’s mysterious past. "We were tipped off that Bush had a lot of skeletons in his closet, but nothing of this magnitude," said staff writer Richard Serrano, who compiled the 85,000-word story.

According to Serrano, the investigative staff at the Times became interested in the story late last year, when the Texas governor’s name was first floated as a possible candidate for the 2000 GOP presidential nomination. "It was somewhat odd - he was extremely evasive about answering questions about his past or his personal life," noted Serrano. "Even innocuous questions about his personal hygiene and teenage masturbation habits seemed to make him squirm."

The Times staff became more inquisitive after Bush formally declared his candidacy, when they received a series of anonymous tips from their Washington Bureau. "Our DC team uncovered some very juicy Bush tidbits while giving Sidney Blumenthal his complementary weekly pedicure," explained Serrano. "We knew then the story was just too big to keep the lid on."

What they found, according to Serrano, was "explosive."

"After hundreds of interviews, we were unable to identify a single instance of then-airman Bush being shot down by the Viet Cong, or even fragged by his own men," said Serrano. "What’s more, after returning to civilian life, Bush failed to go on a psychotic killing rampage, become a homeless drifter or even poignantly kill himself by swimming out to sea. This stands in stark contrast to the typical experience of most Vietnam veterans. At least in the movies I’ve seen."

While the Times was unable to identify any illegalities, Serrano said that the facts "are suggestive of favoritism and special treatment" for Bush.

"Oddly, this son of a Texas congressman was able to luxuriate in the decadent opulence of a Houston Air National Guard base, while poor boys were forced to do the dangerous work - wading through the rice paddies of southeast Asia, or leading exhausting protest marches at Oxford," added Serrano.