"Here is a list of some of the unworkable rules found in dysfunctional families

"Boys shouldn't cry. (they should be like diminutive adult males, independent, self contained, and tough. they should bear pain and hurt with a kind of stoicism and emotional flatness exemplified by rugged males in cigarette commercials and by romantic depictions of fighters and the wild, wild west.)

There are extremes to everything, but I don't think Mr. Teacher's talking about the extremes here. Boys really shouldn't cry. When we're children, we learn how to conduct ourselves, and squirting tears is one of the things we're discouraged from doing. There's a reason for that: Back in the very early Paleolithic age there were two cavemen, Ogg and Gug. Ogg was a tough fellow who spent no time weeping. He was brusque and he was unsociable, and he had a foul temper. Gug, who lived in the next cave over, was a sensitive kind of guy who felt your pain. He was devoted to his family and got along with everyone. One day a cave bear came by and Gug burst into tears, whereupon the bear killed and ate him. The next day the same bear showed up at Ogg's cave, expecting a similarly easy dinner. Rather than breaking down, he attacked the bear with a sharp stick. He ended up with enough bear meat to last him through October, a comfy bearskin rug, and Gug's widow, and became the ancestor of the human race. Real men know that the time for blubbering is after you've killed the cave bear, skinned it, butchered it, stored the meat, and had your way with Gug's widow on the bearskin rug. By that time, real men are usually past the stage where they feel like it. It's a dysfunctional world out there, and you can't negotiate with cave bears, sabre toothed tigers, and similar creatures, though some of them are quite tasty.

"Girls should always be nice. (Talk nice talk. Never say anything negative. Do nice things. Never do anything that would make someone look askance at you. Nice girls DON'T.)

Girls are supposed to be nice. In a slightly different manner, so are boys and men. Once Ogg had fathered the human race we decided to become civilized It's become quite fashionable in this country in the past few years to have an "attitude," but the people you actually want to spend extended periods of time with aren't the truculent bitches who just finished their fist fight in the 7-11 parking lot, but rather with people with at least a minimum of good manners. "Outrageous" didn't used to be something to be admired. It's not polite to say negative, catty things. It is pleasant for us all when people do nice things.

"Elders always deserve respect and come first. (No matter how the elder behaves, the elder must be treated gingerly, for and elder has power -- even if it used capriciously and irrationally.)

In the days before children were treated as little adults they were adults in training. Their elders were assumed to have more experience in life, more capability in dealing with the world than short people whose brains hadn't yet finished growing. Occasionally elders do behave badly, even irrationally, but most people try not to, especially those who adhere to the rules for girls and boys above. It would make a lot more sense to children to expect their elders to behave rationally and to extend them their respect, which can then be withdrawn when Pop comes home with a tatoo on his neck or Mom's arrested for hooking.

"There is only one way to do things. (That is, there's only one RIGHT way to do things. There's only one right way to handle a spouse, to deal with the kids, to have a birthday party, to dance . . .)

There are ways to do things that are right, and ways to do them that are wrong. Though there are many approaches to solving problems, generally the right way is constrained within a relatively narrow range, while the wrong way offers many more opportunities to screw up.

"Don't talk, think or feel about sex, money, and feelings. (Talk . . . well, talk stirs things up, gets people upset, well it just causes more trouble. When it comes to sex, money and feelings, silence takes on a precious eloquence. Silence is not only golden, it's high grade platinum.)

The most boring people in the world are the ones who regale you with tales of their sex life, how much money they make, or — Gawd help us all! — their feelings.

"Work first, play later. (Much later . . .)

Pretty good rule, actually. Work doesn't do itself. Grown men, and many grown women, take much of their self-worth from their accomplishments. You don't accomplish thingsby playing. That's why people who have lots of money don't usually stop working, even though they could spend all their time playing.

"The older child must always set an example for the younger children. (Good example that is.)

I have a difficult time envisioning a family as dysfunctional when the older children try to provide a good example for the younger and the adults try to provide a good example for all their children. I'm obviously not smart enough to catch the desirability of showing younger children how to be jerks and doing things that would make one's parents ashamed.

"Children should always obey their parents. (And it's the parents job to see that their children make the RIGHT decisions -- the decisions the parents want. Then when the child reaches the magic age of emancipation -- 18 or 21 -- the Good Decision Fairy will plink the child on the skull with a charmed wand and make the child a full-fledged adult who always makes Good Decisions.)

When raised as adults in training, by the time the child is old enough to enlist or to vote the raging hormones of teenagery have for the most part receded and the young adult has a sufficient store of knowledge to make fairly rational decisions. The key word is "fairly," of course, since many of the rational decisions we make at 22 look pretty silly at 33 and can be breathtakingly dumb by the time we reach 44. By the time we reach 55 they've been lumped in with the other sins of our youth, something to chuckle over, unless the consequences included jail time or loss of a limb.

"Don't talk about your family to anyone outside the family. (Outsiders will just spread malicious gossip. So always pretend that everything's OK at home, even if it isn't. there's nothing worse than being disloyal to your family.)"

Don't tell me your family secrets. Tell me about your new baby or the grandkids, your new boat, or your successes in the garden. Don't tell me when you fight with your wife or husband, when you have sex and how, when you poop, or that Uncle Ralph was arrested again. I don't want to know. First of all, it's boring. Second of all, it's crass. I could go on, through 12th of all, but take me word for it: keep your family business inside the family. Nobody else cares.