#1 Want a peek at the story as it was originally submitted? You know, before the front desk cleaned it up. Well, I snagged a blue-penciled copy out of the editor's waste basket and thought you all might like to see it ...
Muttahida Majlis-e-Amal (MMA) legislator Maulana Abdul ”Allahu” Akbar Chitrali on Friday rejected further payment from US intelligence agencies' operatives for any new reports regarding Osama Bin Laden's presence in Chitral, seeing as how the local currency looked "unauthentic and the large amount being paid seemed unjustified".
Speaking in the National Assembly while suspended on a meat hook and held at gunpoint, he talked of fetching an order of beer, pizza and dialysis medicine for Osama, from Papa Chitrali’s All Night Go-Go Bar and Discount Pharmacy. He also said that finding virgin goats for bin Laden in the mountainous Chitral area was nearly impossible because it shared a border with five other Islamic countries, but insisted that after banging one, Osama was completely peaceful for another five minutes. He said that the incriminating negatives he submitted to the CIA and FBI were top-drawer material and that he had set up bin Laden “like a cheap pup tent” using promises of fresh goats from veterinary offices in Chitral, but the old jihadi had a bent crank and hadn’t left the area until after getting a few of the younger locals to “bend it like Beckham” even though they protested about their being paid for such services in Koranic lessons, not to mention the rather disturbing presence of Ayman al-Zawahiri. "Neither virgin goats nor fresh young boys have we any more of since we sheltered those two hose monsters and anybody will tell you that neither the goats nor sheep will be of much use if we tolerate Osama ever again making use of vibrating foreign objects so large they caused radio interference in the area for miles around," he said.
Remember, don't believe all you read! |
Muttahida Majlis-e-Amal (MMA) legislator Maulana Abdul Akbar Chitrali on Friday rejected US intelligence agencies' reports regarding Osama Bin Laden's presence in Chitral as "unauthentic and unjustified".