by Scott Ott

(2006-10-14) — The United Nations Security Council, which has maintained peace around the globe for six decades, today stood poised to approve “positive sanctions” on North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il aimed encouraging him when he acts appropriately.

“We need to catch him doing something right,” said Wang Guangya, the Chinese ambassador to the U.N., “and then we can shower him with affirmation to reinforce the good behavior. This is much more constructive than punitive sanctions which only make Mr. Kim feel bad, and reinforce his negative self-talk, causing him to act out again.”

The resolution, drafted by Russia and China, in response to last weekÂ’s North Korean nuclear bomb detonation, calls for deploying UN troops to monitor President KimÂ’s broadcasts and public appearances, looking for tell-tale signs of good behavior.

In the early phases, the UN will issue resolutions praising President Kim each time he makes a speech that does not call for turning the United States into a lake of fire, or when a month goes by without major North Korean military maneuvers, nuclear weapon tests or other provocative acts.

The draft resolution notes that “all of us at the U.N. look forward to the day when we can give President Kim a big smiley-face sticker, because he’s realized that you can’t hug your friends with nuclear arms.”