From the most respected name in major media, Weekly World News. NEW YORK, N.Y.--OMS Global Services, Inc. has negotiated a deal to outsource its back-office accounting, insurance claim, and credit-card processing operations to nearby uninhabited planet Tau Indi-B by century's end.
"Over my dead body!" declares Pat Buchanan, who will be 162 years old by then.
"We've got 40 hours in the day there," said Dan Myers, a spokesman for the company. "Our competitors won't be able to match that kind of productivity."
"And they thought 40 cents an hour and 12 hours a day was a good deal in India. It beats the heck out of prison labor too, especially for credit card processing."
Myers' firm will house its employees in an inflatable habitat on Tau Indi's surface.
"A Lot more comfortable than that run-down French hotel in Hanoi," he added.
"The campus will feature a convention center, a recreational sports facility, and a schedule full of corporate outings to give workers plenty of fresh air," Myers said.
Does Bill Gates know about this? He's already taken over one planet, why not another?
He added that the planet's gravity--which is five times greater than Earth's--will certainly challenge exercisers in the rec center.
Perfect for Nike, too.
"Also, the company has generously agreed to provide full retirement benefits once workers reach age 65 on the planet."
Read the fine print.
"But if you're counting in Earth years, that means nobody gets a gold watch before they're 278," said labor attorney Terry Dalton, who is opposed to the move and believes he can bring OMS back to Earth.
Jeffrey Skilling will work out the details if they can spring him. The US has no extradition treaty with Tau Indi-B.
"By the company's own logic, nobody's a legal adult before their 77th birthday," he said.
BTW, are we sure Kenneth Lay is dead?