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| -Short Attention Span Theater- |
| High College Costs Driven by Global Warming, Researchers Say |
| 2007-08-14 |
| Thomas F. Bertonneau A parody . . . we hope! Researchers at California State University, Van Nuys, and Michigan Central Teacher College of Farwell reported this week that global warming is the primary cause of both declining academic performance among North American college undergraduates and the rising costs associated with a baccalaureate degree. The three-week-long multiple-perspective study was undertaken by assistants for the Senior-Level Sub-Dean of Diversity Quotas in Environmental Studies at CSUVN and four tenured members of the Alternative Literacies [sic] Program at MCTCF. The team systematically surveyed multiple self-evaluations and statistical-anecdotal probability memoranda culled from a wide variety of auto-probative and theosophical sources appearing in carefully vetted blogs posted on the Internet since February. “This is one of the most exhaustive studies of its kind to be carried out by institutions of our accreditation-level, in California or Michigan, during the past seventeen and a half months,” said Dr. Michelle Mausse, a CSUVN Diverse Arts Practical Instructor, who is acting co-chair of the project, and supervising gender-fairness editor of the semi-final quasi-executive summary of the project’s yet-to-be-published report. Mausse also said that a surprising side-result of the consortium’s monumental data-collection effort was a strong indication that an expected storm of irate denials inspired by and aimed at the report would almost certainly exacerbate global warming, thereby degrading student performance even further and raising the price of a college education even higher. When a reporter asked why Mausse anticipated such a belligerent reception for her findings, she replied, “Given the cutting-edge status of our conclusions and the transgressive methods employed during our strenuous three weeks of research, you can bet that Bill O’Reilly and Fox News will be working overtime to sap public confidence in our assertions.” According to Mausse, the best way to prevent such obfuscation would be “to reinstate the Fairness Doctrine, ban SUVs, and approach North Korea with an environmentally friendly attitude.” . . . When the report sees print, it will include five key policy recommendations. *Keep as much of Canada as possible frigid and uninhabitable for the next ten thousand years. *Get people in Des Moines to act “cooler” – like people in Portland, say, or Seattle. *Reinstate Rosie O’Donnell on The View. *Use less toilet paper – only one sheet per visit. *Mandatory goddess-worship. Mausse sees a connection between the problems she investigates and, perhaps surprisingly, the current debate over immigration. She even sees an opportunity to bring conservatives, who tend to take a skeptical position on global warming, to her point of view. Referring to the second-to-last policy recommendation, she says, “As we learn to use less and less toilet paper per visit, there will be fewer and fewer people from foreign countries wanting to come to the United States – and people born in this country will find more value than ever in the soft vellum of their expensively purchased college diplomas.” The blog this came from has no permalink to this item. To read the whole thing, which is screaming hilarious, scroll down to the first item under Monday, August 13. |
| Posted by:Mike |
| #12 1990's redux > SAVE/HELP THE EARTH - Suppor your local Gulag and Death Camp! D *** ng it, the Sun will surrender iff only we Earth-icans will kill ourselves unto self-oblivion-extinction! |
| Posted by: JosephMendiola 2007-08-14 23:31 |
| #11 employed during our strenuous three weeks of research, lol! This must be a parody. |
| Posted by: AT 2007-08-14 21:46 |
| #10 CSU Van Nuys is a parody in itself, doesn't exist :-) |
| Posted by: Frank G 2007-08-14 19:44 |
| #9 And the other thing that was big in the 70s was global COOLING. All the same articles, all the same doomsaying, all the same things to blame except we were going to have an ice age instead of all be on Miami beach. So round 2 cuts no ice with me. |
| Posted by: Oldcat 2007-08-14 18:03 |
| #8 Senior-Level Sub-Dean of Diversity Quotas? I'm calling "bullshit" based on that alone. |
| Posted by: mojo 2007-08-14 17:07 |
| #7 High College Costs Causes Global Warming ? I'm not so sure I believe that. |
| Posted by: wxjames 2007-08-14 14:34 |
| #6 I remember when I was growing up and it was always "...causes cancer in rats". And I'd be like "Good. They're rats. Give them more of it. Who cares about giving cancer to rats?" |
| Posted by: tu3031 2007-08-14 14:07 |
| #5 I think I remember that one, Rambler, but on closer examination it was determined that the study rats developed cancer at the same rate as the rats in the placebo study. ;-) Separately, I do hope you've recovered from asking trailing daughter #1 what I'd told her not to talk about. She wasn't sure you understood her explanations. |
| Posted by: trailing wife 2007-08-14 13:17 |
| #4 P2K, wasn't there a study that said that studying rats gave them cancer? If not, there should have been. |
| Posted by: Rambler 2007-08-14 13:01 |
| #3 The three-week-long multiple-perspective study was undertaken by assistants for the Senior-Level Sub-Dean of Diversity Quotas in Environmental Studies at CSUVN and four tenured members of the Alternative Literacies [sic] Program at MCTCF. Priceless. |
| Posted by: Seafarious 2007-08-14 12:11 |
| #2 Some of you are not old enough to recall in the early 70s the big scare run by the MSM was a new cancer agent 'discovered' every week by some university/institute study. It began with a red dye used in food [that's why the red M&M disappeared for a while]. Like GW today, it was a relentless screed every week, every day on another substance in our food, clothes, etc that caused cancer in lab rats [ignoring the isolated nature of rats and the incredible amount of the particular matter being stuffed into the animal]. It wasn't science when the objective was to 'induce' cancer. Anyway the silliness went on for months, till some college researchers decided to have fun with the media and the pols trying to exploit the induced panic. Using the same methodology of the prior researchers, they were able to induce cancer in lab rats by implanting bits of coin and paper money. They then released the study with the 'recommendation' that all money be recalled. Shortly after that one hit the fan, the panic journalism significantly dropped. Of course, back then, some journalists and senior managers had some sense of responsibility. I think that is required to be removed prior to any employment today. |
| Posted by: Procopius2k 2007-08-14 12:08 |
| #1 Must be the fat research grants. How can I git mah fair share? |
| Posted by: ed 2007-08-14 11:24 |