EFLAt 5:30 p.m. Eastern time today, all
Immediate ramifications stretch far beyond the lack of strong coffee in dozens of permutations, though that was certainly the most important — the late shift may be running slower tonight.
On the practical end of the spectrum, freeloaders will lose thousands of dependable seats, bathrooms, internet access and CDÂ’s of Bob DylanÂ’s favorite songs. On the spiritual end, the angst bred by StarbucksÂ’ ubiquity will have a chance to recede for a moment, hopefully leading to an epiphany or two.
But those are all side effects worth weathering for a larger goal, according to the company. As one British newspaper characterized the news, “Starbucks closes to learn how to make coffee.”
While self-inflicted mockery was tacked on to The Lede’s side-effect count, the article explained that Starbucks was introducing a new set of standards for making their coffee drinks, and that the most important feature of each store — the espresso machine — had to be commandeered to spread the knowledge to the baristas. “They will be trained in creating the perfect shot, steaming the milk and all the pieces that come together in a drink,” a company spokeswoman told The Seattle Times.
Vast stretches of suburbia will resemble some bizarre post-holocaust nightmare landscape, zombie-like masses of sleepy-eyed yuppies and professional students roaming the streets, plaintively murmuring and wailing in grief and anguish until the magic hour of redemption arrives.