 - Most of us aren't very pretty.
- If you're not very pretty, getting a tatoo won't make you look better.
- If you're really not very pretty, getting lots of tatoos will actually make you look worse.
- Black people shouldn't get tatoos, especially dark black people.
- If I was black, especially if I was the kind of black person who comes down with the vapors at the sight of a noose, I'd chew my arm off if it had something that looked like an owner's mark tatooed on it. I'm not sure what I'd do if it was tatooed on my neck. Chew my head off, I suppose.
- If you have someone named Britney's name tatooed on your neck, you'd really better hope she doesn't fall for a bass player or run off with a shoe salesman. Your next girlfriend isn't going to be named Tiffany, Jennifer, or Dolores.
- Some of us are fat. Others of us are ohfergawdsake-bese.
- If you're an ohfergawdsake-bese man, wearing your hair in a ponytail won't make you slender. It may if you're a woman, but I wouldn't count on it.
- Encasing a chunky body in a miniskirt and seamed stockings will attact attention, but probably not in the way you wanted.
- If you've got a chunky body and you decided against my advice to wear a miniskirt and seamed stockings to a crowded government office, don't sit on the floor. Eventually you'll have to get up.
- Most little children are charming, regardless of race or color.
- Most teenagers aren't, regardless of race or color.
- Having H A T E tatooed on your knuckles isn't going to make people well-disposed toward you, even if you have L O V E tatooed on the knuckles of the other hand.
- If you're approximately 30 years old and you wear a tee-shirt that says "Build [Skateboard] Ramps, Not Bombs", you've probably wasted a significant portion of your time on this earth without expending very much at all of your precious, apparently non-renewable intellect.
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