A 55-year-old man from Utica, Florida was arrested and charged with driving while absolutely blotto after police caught him joyriding during a drunken stupor. Yet, there was no car involved in this incident. That's right. Raymond Kulma was driving while really, really hammered in a motorized wheelchair. The worst part is that the wheelchair didn't even belong to him."Yesh, thish izh mine; I have a crafshered leg--I mean frecshared--broken."
"Shouldn't you have a cast on your leg, then?"
"It wazh... shtolen?"
"Nice try, beauzeau."
Kulma actually stole the wheelchair from James Konkel, a resident at a local retirement home. Raymond and James got into an argument outside the retirement home and Kulma got on Konel's motorized wheelchair and made like a Berkeley professor and left. Utica police arrested Kulma a little while later on Greeley Street not far from the senior living complex.
"Police! Freeze!"
"Yesh, I could shtand to beat the heat."
"Well, you can cool your heels in the hoosegow."
During his encounter with police, Raymond Kulma was found to have three sheets to the wind. In fact, he failed three sobriety tests prior to being arrested. According to Police Chief Faber, "Mr. Kulma was three times the legal limit. He didn't pass any of the sobriety tests he was given."
"What? I'm shober azh a judge, ocshifer."
"Of the Ninth Circuit Court, maybe."
Upon further investigation, the police found that this was not Mr. Kulma's first offense. In fact, this was the seventh charge of operating a motor vehicle while completely smashed since 1984. His license has also been revoked twice and suspended four times. Furthermore, he hasn't has a valid driver's license since 1993.
When asked what should happen to Raymond Kulma, the wheelchair owner, James Konkel shared his opinion. "I think he needs to be locked up for a little while. Maybe it will teach him a lesson."