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| -Short Attention Span Theater- |
| Mermaids don't exist, US assures its citizens |
| 2012-07-05 |
| The United States government has assured its citizens that, much like zombies, mermaids probably do not exist, saying in an official post: "No evidence of aquatic humanoids has ever been found." Leprechauns, on the other hand... "Mermaids -- those half-human, half-fish sirens of the sea -- are legendary sea creatures," read the online statement from the National Ocean Service (NOS). The agency, charged with responding to natural hazards, received letters inquiring about the existence of the sea maidens after the Discovery Channel's Animal Planet network broadcast "Mermaids: The Body Found" in May. The show "paints a wildly convincing picture of the existence of mermaids, what they may look like, and why they've stayed hidden... until now," a Discovery Channel blurb says. Conversely, the US government declaration offered no conclusive proof to deny the existence of mermaids. The statement comes after another government agency, this time the US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), declared there was no conclusive evidence for the existence of zombies. The CDC had published instructional materials on how to survive a "zombie apocalypse," in what the agency now calls "a tongue in cheek campaign to engage new audiences with messages of preparedness messages." The campaign was followed by a series of cannibalistic attacks in North America. |
| Posted by:Fred |
| #14 It's Merpeople, dang it! |
| Posted by: Steven 2012-07-05 23:44 |
| #13 It was gonna be on unicorns, but I think we all know who put the kibosh on that... |
| Posted by: tu3031 2012-07-05 19:43 |
| #12 They can't help it! They only want to believe in Fairies! |
| Posted by: Cluth Darling of the Leprechauns2899 2012-07-05 19:41 |
| #11 What about Bigfoot? Pay no attention to the Thing behind the keyboard. |
| Posted by: Thing From Snowy Mountain 2012-07-05 17:13 |
| #10 Any rumors about Hillary being Cthulhu or simply related to Cthulhu are absolutely untrue. As for Dagon, we have no comment. |
| Posted by: Silentbrick - Schlumberger Squishy Mud Division 2012-07-05 15:51 |
| #9 What about Bigfoot? |
| Posted by: DarthVader 2012-07-05 15:33 |
| #8 Dagon: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-yAnVNy27co |
| Posted by: Scooter McGruder 2012-07-05 15:24 |
| #7 (looks at video)... Yeah, that's from back when Darryl Hannah looked more human than she does today. |
| Posted by: Thing From Snowy Mountain 2012-07-05 15:21 |
| #6 Give it a rest, Lord Garth......[heh] |
| Posted by: Alaska Paul 2012-07-05 13:48 |
| #5 Well if mermaids did exist, then the fines they pay for violating fishing limits are actually taxes and therefore constitutional. |
| Posted by: lord garth 2012-07-05 11:54 |
| #4 Always looked forward to the possibility that I fell overboard one day and was rescued by a buxom pesco-sapien. Oh well..... |
| Posted by: Mullah Richard 2012-07-05 11:39 |
| #3 |
| Posted by: g(r)omgoru 2012-07-05 10:11 |
| #2 More coverups!!! (holding tightly to tin-foil beanie) |
| Posted by: AlmostAnonymous5839 2012-07-05 09:59 |
| #1 D *** NG, I KNEW IT! |
| Posted by: JosephMendiola 2012-07-05 02:01 |