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| Friend Zoned: Why don't women like me back? | ||||
| 2014-04-21 | ||||
| A bit of silliness as a beta male confesses his sins before other males, and females. Hello. My name is Christopher Tognotti, and I'm no good with women.
Neither of which can be thought of as hypergamous careers that the ladies flock to.... Let me lay it on the line: At nearly 28 years old, I've never been in a proper relationship. Even further -- I've never actually been on a date with anyone I felt a real flare of passion for. I'm not virginal in any other sense, but at least for me, the emotional droughts feel much worse than the sexual ones. That's okay, buddy. You've had other priorities. I understand. Many people I know can measure out sections of their adult lives by the benchmarks of sustained, serious relationships, and that's an ability I find myself brutally envious of. I've cried over the feelings and experiences I've longed to have, and cried to the people who, one way or another, haven't provided them. Hint: Maybe that was the first hint. A willingness to cry alone. Crying at all. That's not to say I haven't spent time with women I've liked or fallen for. I've been more or less surrounded with women since my childhood, having always gotten along more easily and naturally with girls than boys. As you might expect, I've sometimes found myself smitten; a situation considerably more perilous when the person you desire is also your friend. Which is to say, someone with whom you might be wrecking something that's already pretty good. One person wrecks another's life in order to be with them. How many women have done this? How many men? Disrupting the very lives of people you profess to love is a basic feature of having a new relationship. It happens thousands of times daily.
Some minefields you want to go around. Others you want to breach. What's so hard about those concepts? "Local heterosexual white man dissatisfied with love life." I know, some headlines aren't as grabbing as others. There is at least one way in which I'm not dissatisfied however: my own ability to weather life and love's disappointments, and to never blame the women who reject me in the process. Good for you, and I am certain the women who rejected you breathed a sigh of relief you didn't try harder. Perhaps you've heard this story before, of a self-proclaimed "nice guy" who feels miffed by the romantic inattention of a close female friend. But assumptions that the alleged "nice guy" may be making -- feeling aggrieved, maybe even angry, that she couldn't be more open-minded, or see how great a couple they'd be -- fall perilously short of anything describable as "nice." It's called the Friend Zone. You get to comfort her when her steroid boyfriend beats on her, and then you get to watch her have make up sex, or at least her description if it.
It ain't for you to convince yourself. It is up to you to convince the woman, however. And it's true -- friendships can sometimes lead to pretty awesome relationships -- or so I'm told. But if a man is basically complaining that female friends aren't actively seeking to repay their platonic kindness with sex, then let me say, clearly and loudly: that attitude is full of sh*t. See Friend Zone, above. Sometimes, the answer to the question "why don't they love me?" is best given simply: because they don't. The amount of mental exhaustion I've put myself through in dodging this truth is embarrassing in retrospect. The truth is you're doing a crappy job of selling yourself. I owe immeasurable amounts of my life's happiness and well-being to women who've never been anything but my friends. Those relationships, and the experiences shared within them, are not consolation prizes, or pathetic stepping-stones. Unless, of course, you decide to treat them as such. I'd love to end this on a note of some burgeoning optimism. But in truth, I can't. It simply wouldn't feel true to my heart, my state of mind, or my expectations right now. Translated: I want to be alone. But I'm buoyed by the knowledge that all things change in time, and that what (or who) waits around the corner could also be a pleasant surprise. It might sound small, but if dime-store optimism is the best I can muster, I'll try to take it, every time. In that way, I'll always be a romantic. Perhaps Chris can make arrangements to donate his testicles to more deserving males, since he is not using them anymore.
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| Posted by:badanov |
| #12 Lucky guy and doesn't know it. Marriage is grand. But divorce is twenty grand. |
| Posted by: Bubba Graiting8281 2014-04-21 22:29 |
| #11 Tognotti - The new word for Looser |
| Posted by: Alistaire Gurly-Brown3897 2014-04-21 18:41 |
| #10 This guy's beta-ness made me throw up in my mouth a little. I knew a guy like this when I was younger. Great buy, good fishing buddy, liked to laugh, but when he was around women desperation wafted off him like pig stench. Fifteen seconds of conversation and you could see the wimmins move away. We all tried to enlighten him. DOn't seem eager. Don't be too interested in outcomes. Women like mystery. Women like a guy who is a bit of a pr!ck. Etc. But he just wouldn't listen. Twenty years on and he still doesn't get it. |
| Posted by: no mo uro 2014-04-21 18:28 |
| #9 It is a tough lesson to learn, but really, the info is out on the internet in droves and anyone that doesn't know how not to be Beta is blind or simply unwilling to make the changes required. |
| Posted by: rjschwarz 2014-04-21 15:42 |
| #8 If it floats, flies, or ..... leasing is oftentimes a wise option. |
| Posted by: Besoeker 2014-04-21 14:36 |
| #7 That's a keeper Shipman. May I borrow? |
| Posted by: Rex Mundi 2014-04-21 14:33 |
| #6 Poor SOB deserves marriage. |
| Posted by: Shipman 2014-04-21 14:21 |
| #5 "I think therefore im single" seems to apply here. |
| Posted by: Bright Pebbles 2014-04-21 13:56 |
| #4 Replace Friend Zone with "Emotional Tampon" and we have what really is at play here. |
| Posted by: Rex Mundi 2014-04-21 11:33 |
| #3 I have a friend who is aprroaching 50 and is in the same boat. He asks the same question and we tell him: 1) quit having such high expectations. Start in the minors and work your way into the big leagues. 2) quit approaching ever relationship as the future mrs. Try just and actually have fun. 3) quit expecting every girl to like everything about you. in fact if you get a 2nd date I would call that a victory 4) grow up and stop acting like a loser. everyone loves an underdog but no one likes a loser |
| Posted by: airandee 2014-04-21 11:00 |
| #2 Short version: (1) you're a flake (2) see (1) |
| Posted by: ed in texas 2014-04-21 08:47 |
| #1 Stop talking and start fiddling. |
| Posted by: Besoeker 2014-04-21 08:40 |