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| Home Front: Culture Wars |
| An Open Letter To Bearded Hipsters |
| 2014-05-07 |
| Disclosure: I have a beard but only coz I shave every few days or so. My wife thinks a beard makes me look older, which it prolly does, but the main factor for me is laziness. This blog entry was too funny not to post. The writer is female, BTW Via Gerard Vanderleun: YOU GUYS ARE RUINING MY BEARD FETISH. Ever since I was a little girl, I've loved a man with a beard. To me, they meant strength, power, MANLINESS. Someone who could protect me. Unfortunately, you guys have turned it into a fashion statement. The beard has turned into the padded bra of masculinity. Sure it looks sexy, but whatcha got under there? There's a whole generation running around looking like lumberjacks, and most of you can't change a fucking tire. Look, I get it. I really do. I understand the motivation behind your beardedness. In fact, I even pity you. Thousands of years of evolution priming you guys to kill stuff, and chase stuff, and fuck stuff… and now what? You're stuck at a desk all day. No battles to fight. No wars to wage. So you assert your masculinity the only way you know how. You brew beer. You grow some hair on your face. I've seen you, hipsters, sitting in downtown eateries, with your rock chick girlfriends, dipping your truffle fries, trying not to get the aioli in your mustache. I've seen the quiet desperation in your eyes. I know you're screaming into the void. But I still hate you for it. You're confusing me. It's now on me to suss out who is the real man and who is the poseur. Sadly, I fear most of you are the latter. Before this explosion of whiskers on trendy men everywhere, if I saw a bearded man it was safe to assume certain things about him. Like, he probably owned a hammer. Or washed his hair with a bar of Irish Spring. His beard was probably scented with motor oil and probably had remnants of last night's chili in it. But you vegan nancyboys are a different breed altogether. You have your mountain man scruff, but you maintain it. You groom it. With products. A quick google search of "beard grooming products" turns up literally thousands of articles explaining how to have the most lustrous beard possible. Take this one from Philadelphia Magazine, where they tested TWENTY DIFFERENT VARIETIES of beard oil. The result of this intrepid testing? "I'm talking softer, more manageable whiskers that hold their shape better and smell nice, besides. Doesn't sound so bad put that way, does it?" Yes. Yes it does, you GIANT PUSSY. Am I reading Cosmo? What the fuck is going on here? Betty White has bigger balls than you. Look, I know I sound harsh, but I'm actually trying to rein myself in. A beard is meant to keep your face warm. Seriously, that's it. You guys had your warm beards so you could go out and hunt us food, and we had our boobies with warm milk to feed the young'uns. That's why I love beards. It is a natural, physiological response. I want a man who can keep me safe. How did it all get so twisted? I don't want to go back to Cro-Magnon days. I'm glad we have more gender equality and I like not having to worry about being eaten by larger creatures. But I am calling for a moratorium on the hipster beard. I demand that you reach for a razor if any of the following are true: Your beard is accompanied by a bowtie or horn-rimmed eyeglasses. Why on earth do you want to look like Sigmund Freud? At least he could blame this strange look on his massive cocaine problem. Sometimes a cigar is just a douchebag. You grew a beard to be "ironic". But you don't exactly understand what "ironic" means, or why having a beard would be ironic if you did. You take time off from your entry-level graphic design job only to attend South by Southwest, take your French Bulldog to the vet, or lie on your futon and weep. You do not know what an Allen wrench is, but can explain, in detail, the difference between a macchiato and an Americano. I had to Google macchiato, and watching Arma 2 game videos with Spanish speaking players I hear pinche Americano, all the time. There is an existing Instagram photo of you wearing a knit beanie and chewing on a stalk of wheat. How'd you do, boys? Better go get your moisturizing shave gel. It's time to stop playing at being a man. But don't throw all those perfectly good whiskers in the trash. Give them to your upcycling, DIY girlfriend and let her decoupage some photo frames, or something. But please, just get rid of it. Another trend will soon come along to occupy your technology-addled attention span. And me? I have some beard-ogling to get back to. Thanks in advance, Nicki |
| Posted by:badanov |
| #21 Buzzed mine off for so many years. Mil Regs. |
| Posted by: OldSpook 2014-05-07 23:09 |
| #20 What Pan said. |
| Posted by: Barbara 2014-05-07 21:08 |
| #19 I can't seem to grow a beard. It gets about just-over-stubble long and just stops (and itches) so I shave. (Besides the wife want's it that way). I figure either have one - or don't. Wasn't there a story here a few weeks ago about hipsters who are getting hair transplants (from other parts of their body to their chin) in order to grow a beard? |
| Posted by: CrazyFool 2014-05-07 15:58 |
| #18 Poor girl needs to get out of the city for a weekend. Come out here to the flyover states where men wear beards because they want to, not because they think it will attract some superficial bitch. Girls problem is she likes city life and all those drinks with silly names. You cant have both, you cant live in NYC or DC and hang out with real men. If you want a real man you have to get out of there, they are dirty, chauvinistic, and when they two step they will lead and you better follow or you will be gone. If your OK with that I have some guys down here that you would love to meet. |
| Posted by: 49 Pan 2014-05-07 15:55 |
| #17 I love a well-kempt beard on a man (not a scraggly one or one of those Smith Brothers bushes). What I can't stand is the so-called "beards" that are really just a 2- or 3-day growth. Talk about razor burn! I don't care if you don't want to shave, but don't try to kiss me until you do, or until you grow an actual beard. |
| Posted by: Barbara 2014-05-07 14:12 |
| #16 Check out ..... http://touch.artofmanliness.com |
| Posted by: BrerRabbit 2014-05-07 14:00 |
| #15 Open and hold a door for a lady. A real lady not just if they,re a female. |
| Posted by: BrerRabbit 2014-05-07 13:57 |
| #14 ^^^^^^^^^That d. Properly cuss a lawnmower 5. Assemble a socket set worth stealing vi. Own a great dawg at some point in your life and cry about it in private Seven. Be fierce around mice 1000. Tip heavily when you can |
| Posted by: Shipman 2014-05-07 13:19 |
| #13 Maybe we need a PhD in masculinity program. Change tires. Catch and clean fish. Drive a stick. Develop some minimum level of upper body strength. Eschew sports which require shaving ones legs. BBQ competence. Know how to shoot and clean a gun. Basically, everything which makes you a better person and which the Left hates. Make those pussies earn their beard. |
| Posted by: Iblis 2014-05-07 12:51 |
| #12 Very Fuuunnnnnyyyyyy! I wear a beard (or should I say, the beard lets me carry it!) and brush it to keep the tangles down but by god I am not a SISSY! Oh, yes, I draw the line at kilts and "personal" shavers. Itchy, itchy. |
| Posted by: AlmostAnonymous5839 2014-05-07 11:51 |
| #11 Balldusters. Dont care who you are thats funny. |
| Posted by: BrerRabbit 2014-05-07 11:16 |
| #10 I read this a couple days ago or whatnot and was laughing so hard the kids quit their playthings to see what I was laughing about. Then read the comments. There are people out there taking the wrong things too seriously. I think the point of this op/ed; the wussification of the Man. I have a three letter reason why I have no beard: SCBA. Last I was in hipsterville, this article nails it - them ain't beards, themz balldusters. |
| Posted by: swksvolFF 2014-05-07 10:55 |
| #9 Murse, not to be confused with a grenade satchel. Frowned upon by TSA friskers. |
| Posted by: P2kontheroad 2014-05-07 09:46 |
| #8 ...not to be confused with Sasquatch. |
| Posted by: P2kontheroad 2014-05-07 09:40 |
| #7 The only things she left out was the Man-skirt (not to be confused with a real, honest-to-God Kilt)and the Murse (far too many of them in PugetSoundostan) |
| Posted by: USN, Ret. 2014-05-07 08:30 |
| #6 I think that it's clear that this lady doesn't have any problems with manly beards. What she has a problem with is with "vegan nancyboys" pretending to be manly men by growing beards. Kinda like cross-dressing. Personally I think my beard goes very well with my hammers, chisels and power tools and it probably smells like sawdust. Raj, if you really want brave make it an NRA or Tea Party tee shirt. ;^) |
| Posted by: AlanC 2014-05-07 08:02 |
| #5 This caused me to wonder what message jaw shavers are trying to evoke. I mean, hair grows all over the body but some choose to only shave it off the jaw (and other parts). Don't know the answer but for me but the beard is my message that I find it less work/time than keeping it properly shaved. |
| Posted by: BrerRabbit 2014-05-07 06:05 |
| #4 We the bearded do not give a shit about your lady problems with our beards. Instead, spend some time getting pretty, while we shoot stuff and fix broken things. |
| Posted by: rammer 2014-05-07 01:37 |
| #3 Real city balls is walking down Newbury Street or around Harvard Square in your National Review t-shirt... |
| Posted by: Raj 2014-05-07 01:25 |
| #2 I would have a beard... if it didn't bug the everloving shit out of me. I sure as fuck wouldn't groom it other than trim it so it didn't look like I was a castaway. Better question for this lady is... if this guy with a beard was dropped in the middle of nowhere with a 20' section of 550 cord and a multi tool, could he survive a couple weeks and get back to civilization (assuming he wouldn't just go native and stay in the wild). If the answer is no, he is a man child and needs to be reviled as one. |
| Posted by: DarthVader 2014-05-07 00:47 |
| #1 I have a beard, I can change a tire,shoot a rifle or pistol and all else, I'm a Master Mechanic AND a Machinist, if i can't fix it, I'll make a new one. And I have enough smarts to do whatever I want. And, I'm currently building a Solar System. (House power) So this doesn't apply to me. (Thank god So there. |
| Posted by: Redneck Jim 2014-05-07 00:37 |