OPRAH FOR PRESIDENT![Taki's Magazine] Oprah Winfrey is loved across the globe for being the fattest black female billionaire in world history, and for that, she deserves to be worshiped! Most people know her for making film history after becoming the first female African American thespian to pee for ten minutes straight on film in Steven Spielberg’s heartwarming racial/gender drama The Color Purple.
Sure, even after America rewarded her with enough wealth to buy several African countries in addition to a lifetime Weight Watchers membership, she still feels fit to lie and say that millions of black Americans were lynched (actually, the best estimate pegs the total at around 3,446) and fabricate racist hate crimes against herself. Heck, according to her cousin, Oprah even lied about growing up poor.
Powerfully dressed in black to throw her weight in support of the powerful #MeToo movement that seeks to disempower powerful men in positions of power, the woman whose name is “Harpo” spelled backwards delivered what was described as a “powerful” Lifetime Achievement Award acceptance speech at the Golden Globes, which is a yearly event where Hollywood gives itself a handjob.
Under the presumed guise of fighting racism, Oprah wasted no time in making it racial. In the very first freakin’ paragraph she noted that Sidney Poitier was a “black man” whose “skin was black,” which we’re assuming is how everyone was able to identify him as a black man. Then, in the second paragraph, she spills the beans that she’s a “black woman.” Then, but of course, she shares a tale from 1944 where a black woman was brutally raped by a group of white men. This is because in Hollywood, it’s become necessary to cite such cases from generations ago, because the modern interracial rape rates paint a very different picture.
In reaction to Oprah’s powerful acceptance speech, it was unanimously decided by everyone that hates Donald Trump that she should run for president in 2020 because even though they’re both billionaires, she has a black vagina and he doesn’t. And then, like, y’know, if the inspirational black woman billionaire beat the evil white male billionaire, it’d be like one of those cool movies and everyone could go back to being happy again.
Steven Spielberg says he’d support Oprah’s presidential candidacy, and since he makes edgy, high-risk movies that say the Holocaust and Nazis and slavery were bad, we think he should serve as her running mate. There were rumors a long time ago that Spielberg may just possibly be a pedophile, but that was a long time ago, and as we’ve already stated, those were only rumors.
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