| Submit your comments on this article |
| -Short Attention Span Theater- |
| California: chimp bites man's face off |
| 2005-03-04 |
 Several chimpanzees escaped from their cages at an animal sanctuary in California and chewed off a man's face off, according to doctors. A local television station said the chimps attacked a couple who were visiting another chimpanzee that used to be their pet. Dr. Maureen Martin, of Kern Medical Center, told the television station that the monkeys "chewed most of the man's face off" and said he would require extensive surgery in an attempt to re-attach his nose. |
| Posted by:Bulldog |
| #18 I posted this warning at several boards last year but this one was the most highly evolved: Monkey uprising overruns Bangladeshi town. Monkeys terrorize Indian government. Monkeys invade Indian embassy in Nepal. (An alliance with Maoist rebels?) There is mounting evidence that monkeys and their relatives were plotting to overthrow human civilization, almost certainly in collusion with the great apes. That's right, you think they are cute hairy little bare-**s creatures, but don't let the sly beasts fool you! At some point in the year 2004, the Moon will align with (something or other) and that will cause a great awakening in the conciousness of every ape, monkey, and baboon... spider monkeys and lemurs, too. Then the little monsters are going to rip and sack their way through the unsuspecting nations of the Earth. Many leading humans have been aware of this simian conspiracy for some time. Why do you think experienced ape-fighter Charlton Heston was named to lead the NRA a few years ago? Heston is out of it now, but others have taken his place in preparing our resistance. Stock up on guns, ammo, and bananas! The conspiracy seems concentrated in the Indian subcontinent. An attempt to gain control of Indian nuclear weapons at an early stage? Can we be sure that all of our posters are loyal humans? Couldn't one or more of them be the proverbial monkey pecking at a keyboard, sent here to spy out the scientifically concious resistance? I promise all faithful Rantburgers that I will continue to raise the alarm about this gorilla warfare conspiracy, despite protests from simian-citizens groups. "I hate them all from Chimpan/A to Chimpan/Z"< The Simpsons (hat-tip: Zenster) |
| Posted by: Atomic Conspiracy 2005-03-04 8:12:16 PM |
| #17 Moonbats get theirs. That brings to mind Gary Larson and a Burmese Python |
| Posted by: Dishman 2005-03-04 4:53:31 PM |
| #16 My motto: "Monkeys aren't pets." |
| Posted by: Seafarious 2005-03-04 2:48:56 PM |
| #15 Hmmm... I don't know. I always liked that Reagan fellow. Stared in a movie with him once. We used to just sit around on the set, drinking coffee and smoking cigars and talking about people we both knew. He was always a gentleman. I knew he's go far. |
| Posted by: Bonzo 2005-03-04 2:15:00 PM |
| #14 Wow. Getting your face AND your nuts chewed off, not to mention the foot. That is one bad day. And wtf is with the name St. James? I think this guy pissed someone off upstairs. |
| Posted by: Remoteman 2005-03-04 2:13:47 PM |
| #13 I, for one, welcome our new simian overlords. |
| Posted by: Steve 2005-03-04 1:34:05 PM |
| #12 IIRC, all the male chimps that you see in movies are pre-adolescent or gelded. The older males are very violent and are reportedly strong enough to rip a human arm from its body. So much for the myth that humans are the "killer ape" and somehow different from the rest of the animal kingdom. |
| Posted by: 11A5S 2005-03-04 1:30:17 PM |
| #11 Enter "monkey invasion" into Google, or even here at Rantburg, and you will see a long-term increase in simian terrorist activity around the world. Yes, I know that chimps are not monkeys, but the great apes have long been suspected of masterminding the anti-human conspiracy. Many of those in the know are aware of this trend, but government officials are peculiarly reluctant to act, leaving preparations for open war to private groups. This probably explains the selection of experienced ape-fighter Charlton Heston to head the National Rifle Association a few years ago. Mr. Heston is out of the loop now but he has undoubtedly left many behind-the-scenes preparations in place. |
| Posted by: Atomic Conspiracy 2005-03-04 1:06:17 PM |
| #10 Chimps. Why do they hate us? |
| Posted by: Yosemite Sam 2005-03-04 11:23:51 AM |
| #9 Muckeeeeeeee! |
| Posted by: Shipman 2005-03-04 10:42:11 AM |
| #8 I don't know if you had this in mind, ed, but you're bang on the money: "Chimps have 'sense of fair play' Chimpanzees display a similar sense of fairness to humans ... like humans, chimps react to unfairness in various ways depending on their social situation." As his gross favouritism cost Mr Davis his face, a foot and a pair of testicles, I'm guessing he'd brought Moe one damn fine cake. |
| Posted by: Bulldog 2005-03-04 10:31:14 AM |
| #7 There's a lot of background on "Moe" and the Davises here. |
| Posted by: Angie Schultz 2005-03-04 10:29:21 AM |
| #6 This is how it started in Planet of the Apes. Be afraid. |
| Posted by: Dreadnought 2005-03-04 10:24:59 AM |
| #5 It's like back in elementary school. If you bring cake for one, you better bring cake for all. |
| Posted by: ed 2005-03-04 10:13:33 AM |
| #4 What prompted them to attack the guy? I smell a BIG lawsuit coming. |
| Posted by: Charles 2005-03-04 10:09:31 AM |
| #3 Dr. Maureen Martin, of Kern Medical Center, told the television station that the monkeys "chewed most of the man’s face off" and said he would require extensive surgery in an attempt to re-attach his nose. I wonder if that's what really happened to Michael Jackson, back before the surgeries. |
| Posted by: Phil Fraering 2005-03-04 9:07:17 AM |
| #2 Well another fine Kern County story. To bad the Chimps didn't make it all the way up the hill t0 Keene and go on a rampage at the |
| Posted by: Sock Puppet of Doom 2005-03-04 8:53:42 AM |
| #1 Oh, it's much better: A couple's plans for a birthday party for their former pet chimpanzee turned tragic when two other chimps at an animal sanctuary escaped from their cage and attacked. The man was critically injured with massive wounds to his face, body and limbs, and the attacking animals were shot dead. St. James and LaDonna Davis were at the Animal Haven Ranch in Caliente to celebrate the birthday of Moe, a 39-year-old chimpanzee who was taken from their suburban Los Angeles home in 1999 after biting off part of a woman's finger. Moe was not involved in Thursday's attack, said Steve Martarano, a spokesman for the California Department of Fish and Game. The couple had brought Moe a cake and were standing outside his cage when Buddy and Ollie, two of four chimpanzees in the adjoining cage, attacked St. James Davis, Martarano said. Officials have not determined how the chimps got out of their enclosure, he said. LaDonna Davis, 64, suffered a bite wound to the hand while trying to help her 62-year-old husband, Martarano said. The son-in-law of the sanctuary's owner killed the attacking animals, Martarano said. St. James Davis had severe facial injuries and would require extensive surgery in an attempt to reattach his nose, Dr. Maureen Martin of Kern Medical Center told KGET-TV of Bakersfield. His testicles and a foot also were severed, Kern County Sheriff's Cmdr. Hal Chealander told The Bakersfield Californian. Two other chimps, females named Susie and Bones, also escaped from the cage they shared with Ollie and Buddy, prompting sheriff's deputies, animal control workers, and Fish and Game officials to launch a search. |
| Posted by: Steve 2005-03-04 8:49:30 AM |