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-Short Attention Span Theater-
Woman complains to cops after hitman she hired fails
2005-09-15
A woman who hired a hitman to murder the wife of her lover, and then complained to police when he didn't do the job, has been arrested along with the hitman, police said.
"You have the right to remain silent — stop laughing, Dano!... You have the right to an attorney — Dano, I told you to button it!... Anything you say can — Cheeze! Somebody help Dano! He's having a fit!... No, not you, ma'am!"
The murderous intentions of Eriko Kawaguchi, a Tokyo Fire Fighting Department employee, came to light after she complained to police because the hitman didn't carry out the job, although she paid him about 15 million yen. "I came to know that the wife gave birth and then I felt betrayed (by the lover)," officers quoted Kawaguchi, 32, as saying about her motive for hiring the hitman.
"As soon as she got preggers, I know, knew beyond a doubt, that he'd been doinking her!"
Kawaguchi, from the Tokyo suburb of Tama, phoned Takaharu Tabe, 40, from Kunitachi, after she read Tabe's web page on the Internet in November last year, police said.
"All about me: I'm a tough guy. I like to kill people. Click here for photos of guys I've killed..."
In January this year, Kawaguchi met Tabe in Tachikawa, requesting that he murder the wife of her lover. In due course she paid him a total of some 15 million yen for the murder and the costs of tailing and keeping watch on the target.
"Nyah, baby! Bumpin' guyz off don't come cheap, y'know!"
Tabe offered to murder the target by taking her on a motorbike into a tunnel and pouring poisonous bacteria over her.
That's what I always do when I want to bump somebody off. Either that, or trap them in an abandoned silver mine and fill the place with poisonous fish...
Tabe then showed photos of the home and working place of the woman to Kawaguchi. He even gave white powder to Kawaguchi and said he used it to murder the 32-year-old target. But the wife of Kawaguchi's lover was never attacked and recently gave birth.
"On the bright side, the powder did clear up that scaly stuff between my toes..."
Six months later, Kawaguchi then went to the Tama Chuo Police Station and made a complaint, police said. Officers are grilling Tabe about the possibility of other murder contracts.
"Yez got nuttin' on me, coppers! Nuttin'!"
"Oh, yeah? How about this!"
"My footpowder! Where did you get that?"
Posted by:Fred

#3  Bah! Amateurs! Rank charlatans even!

Lessee...there's the tried and true method of dunking the poor victim into a tank filled with man-eating sharks, then there's the sophisticated strap him to a metal table and turn on the automated laser designed to cut him in half, then there's the one where you chase him down the snowy mountainside with a horde of machinegun toting henchmen, and the one where you unleash a deadly poisonous spider in his bungalow room, or the one where you trap him between your beaters and the deadly man-eating tiger, or even the trap him in a room with pointy spikes on the floor and ceiling and then start the ceiling rolling down on him, or the one where the one where he triggers the trap himself and gets this huge rock ball rolling down the perfectly fit tunnel after him, then there's the one where he gets trapped in an elevator car that fills with poisonous gas, and the one where he (she in this case) has to go toe-to-toe with a roomfull of Yakuza swordsmen...

I could go on, but I'm sure Halliburtons' Evil Genius Deathtrap Division is already starting to take notes...
Posted by: LC FOTSGreg   2005-09-16 00:01  

#2  This idjit reminds me of my short career as a 911 operator. One guy called in to complain that the hooker he just paid $20 to didn't perform the agreed upon services.

The officer almost got him, too. The moron realized his stupidity and took off seconds before the cop got there.
Posted by: Desert Blondie   2005-09-15 18:39  

#1  Either that, or trap them in an abandoned silver mine and fill the place with poisonous fish...

What about luring them to the dungeon of an old castle and pushing them into the inevitable vat of acid?

People have the most touching faith in the power of bacteria. Here you got yer poisonous bacteria; others go with that old standby, urine; and I heard of a case not too long ago where a couple tried to poison a coworker by smearing some candy with -- prepare to be shocked -- raw chicken juice! Fear the bacteria!

Posted by: Angie Schultz   2005-09-15 17:09  

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