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| Fifth Column |
| Left Wing Editorial: Israel Deserves To Be Nuked |
| 2006-02-03 |
| The U.S. Department of Homeland Security, like the political leadership of Kentucky, has been taking the Fifth. If you take the Fifth, do they have to stop torturing you right then under the new paradigm that says that we are in a permanent war, and when in war, torture and spying on any of them is legal if 1 in 260 million Americans says so? Homeland Security was fresh off its success as a cumbersome bureaucracy in New Orleans when it was impolitely called the "new Gestapo" by one of the few Americans who are American enough to stand astride the abyss of fascism into which Osama bin Laden is about to plunge us and cry, "Halt!" The only legitimate function of Congress in the days of the new monarchy is to take money from Peter and give it to Paul. And because congressional seniority has made U.S. Rep. Hal Rogers, who used to be a real Republican, act like a pork-loving Democrat and given him leave to do so, Kentucky's Fifth District has been put in charge of protecting all the 434 districts when it comes to Homeland Security. The Fifth District was originally designed to eliminate a Republican in Congress, but the state legislature proved as adept at gerrymandering as it is at trying to eliminate sexual perversion by making pervs live in tree tops 1,000 feet from other genitalia. Now the Fifth is looking forward to the return of the good old days when our congressman just got people to mail us checks and we didn't have to have this Homeland Security albatross around our necks. Homeland Security is a dirty job, but somebody has to do it. Never mind that the people in the Fifth are willing to sit by and let their own homeland be destroyed as surely as if bombed by jihad. We can play war games on strip jobs because they resemble the desert. The Fifth is controlled by oligarchs and tribal leaders, and we know how to deal with them. We have more prisons in the Fifth than any other district on Earth and more coming. To fill them, we soon will have to start storing disenchanted Arabs who do not believe the Scriptures and who wonder why Israel can have nuclear bombs and Iran cannot. Somebody named Elaine Shiber, the smartest person from Van Lear since Loretta Lynn, catalogued in a Herald-Leader commentary some of the terrorist acts committed as Zionists weary of genocide took up horrors on a lesser scale to have a place to alight. It takes courage, as Shiber did, to inquire as to whether the outrage your enemy harbors is justified or not, and it takes courage to challenge the idea of Israel, with charges of anti-Semitism being the standard recompense for so doing. But when you read what she reported and know that 40 times that much happened at the hands of Israel, you know why no Arab can have a nuclear weapon. They could be morally justified in using it. So our vacant prison cells in the Fifth will feature Iranians and Syrians and the males of any other Arab nation that gathers enough strength to right old wrongs. We look forward to getting to beat them and pile them up nekkid. Every now and then a Middle Easterner with a long beard is thought to have been buried in a rock tomb but is seen alive again by his disciples and records pep talks for them that are broadcast over countless mounts. We have vowed to kill all his followers, but their numbers are growing beyond our capacity to kill them. After four years of fear and millions of words of printed analysis mostly designed to avoid the real reason we are in an undeclared war, only Shiber of Van Lear has presented facts underlying the outrage of our enemies. |
| Posted by:Anonymoose |
| #6 Mike, I don't do invective well I'm afraid (unlike you lot!), and I did want the editors to take my comment seriously, even if (most likely) they don't publish it. In Kentucky they're rightfully very sensitive to the "hillbilly" label (especially Lexington, which is bluegrass horse country), and this kind of egregious nonsense only reinforces such labels. |
| Posted by: trailing wife 2006-02-03 16:50 |
| #5 Homeland Security was fresh off its success as a cumbersome bureaucracy in New Orleans when it was impolitely called the "new Gestapo" by one of the few Americans who are American enough to stand astride the abyss of fascism into which Osama bin Laden is about to plunge us and cry, "Halt!" Geez, how many cliches, wrong ideas, and pathetic attempts at snark can you pack into one sentence? |
| Posted by: Xbalanke 2006-02-03 12:54 |
| #4 TW: That was pretty restrained, actually. |
| Posted by: Mike 2006-02-03 12:42 |
| #3 To the editor: (actually submitted) I just read Mr. Larry Webster, esq.'s editorial ("Fifth is frying up Homeland Security bacon" 1/29/2006) on a website with an international audience. I would congratulate your newspaper, but unfortunately Mr. Webster's writings demonstrated such depths of ignorance as to confirm the sad stereotypes about Kentuckians held by the outside world. At least his spelling and grammar are faultless, but I've no doubt credit for that lies with your Op-Ed editor. As one small example, Mr. Webster does not seem to be aware that, despite having workable nuclear bombs since at least the 1970s, Israel has never used one. This compares to Iran, which has been pledged for decades to use theirs to wipe Israel off the map just as soon as they can be made functional, and in the meantime has financed and trained the terror groups Hizb'allah and Islamic Jihad in their attacks on Israeli civilians. I do hope Mr. Webster, esq. better researches his clients' cases, rather than relying on the power of fact-free rhetoric. Perhaps I oughtn't have written that, but such ignorant, bigotted nonsense made me feel a bit waspish. |
| Posted by: trailing wife 2006-02-03 11:42 |
| #2 Looks like Joe got a job with a computer that has a functional All Caps key. |
| Posted by: Angong Crorong7029 2006-02-03 10:02 |
| #1 To the Editor Lexington Herald-Leader Lexington, Kentucky Dear Sir: It appears from the content of your op-ed page today that someone has put LSD in your building's water supply. You may wish to get it tested. Respectfully, Mike |
| Posted by: Mike 2006-02-03 09:50 |