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| -Short Attention Span Theater- |
| Why stars name babies Moxie, Moses and Apple |
| 2006-04-20 |
| Posted in honor of the placenta eating whackjob's blessed event. It's a measure of what we have come to expect from celebrities to consider that if Henry Fonda were alive and having children today, it would seem as likely for him to name his daughter, say, Hanoi, as simply to call her Jane. I dunno. Traitorous Commie Bitch Fonda kinda sings. It seems almost unimaginable for any 21st-century movie star to send his children out among the Hollywood elite equipped with ordinary names like Michael, Eric, Joel and Peter, as Kirk Douglas once did. This point was driven home again last week, when Gwyneth Paltrow and her husband, Chris Martin, the frontman of the band Coldplay, named their newborn son Moses. Moses? That's a lot of pressure...Who's your Messiah now, ya little bastard!!! It was an unlikely enough name for a baby boy born in 2006, but perhaps less startling than the much discussed (and mocked) handle his sister, Apple, born two years ago, will carry through life. Hopefully Gwyneth has already made the financial arrangements for her lifelong therapy. And this possibly payback to her parents for naming her Gwyneth... Not that a name like Apple Martin stands out among celebrity children anymore. The director Peter Farrelly plucked that very name for his daughter before Apple Martin came along. Even that name seems drab compared with Hollywood baby names like Pilot Inspektor, cooked up by Jason Lee, the star of "My Name Is Earl," Oh, yeah. Big, biiiiiig star... or Banjo, the inspiration of the "Six Feet Under" star Rachel Griffiths, or Moxie CrimeFighter, a name chosen last year by the comedian and magician Penn Jillette for his daughter. Wait til she meets her future sister Pepsi Gangbanger. And I'll sue his ass off if he takes that one... Skeptics scoff at the mad rush by stars to come up with exotic baby names as another means for the attention-hungry to grab headlines. But psychologists and others who have worked with high-profile performers say that the naming of children can function as a window into a psyche. Perhaps subconsciously, they say, stars seize the opportunity of parenthood to express their obsessions, ambitions and inner quirks in a way that is, for a change, unscripted and not stage-managed by publicists. Ah, yes. The "all about me" thing. Well, I am just so shocked... Mr. Jillette, for example, managed to satisfy a number of interests and objectives when he and his wife, Emily, gave their daughter her highly individual name. "You're likely to be the only one in any normal-size group with that name," Mr. Jillette said by e-mail, adding, " 'Moxie' is a name that was created by an American for the first national soft drink and then went on to mean 'chutzpah,' and that's nice." Besides, Moxie CrimeFighter fits right into the creative world. "Everyone I know with an unusual name loves it," he wrote. "It's only the losers named Dave that think having an unusual name is bad, and who cares what they think. They're named Dave." Remember that Penn when Moxie tries to run you down in her Mercedes when she's about 13 and on another coke binge... Not all performers present their decisions in such terms. "Apples are so sweet, and they're wholesome, and it's biblical," Ms. Paltrow said in an interview with Oprah Winfrey in 2004. "And I just thought it sounded so lovely and clean." ("Moses" meanwhile is a song that Mr. Martin wrote for Ms. Paltrow in 2003.) Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww... But while middle-class parents increasingly trade in standard names like Karen and Joseph for fancier ones like Madison and Caleb, movie stars seem compelled to push the baby naming further. The names may be merely distinctive (say, Maddox, Angelina Jolie's Cambodian-born adopted son) or bizarre, like Makena'lei Gordon, Helen Hunt's daughter, inspired by a place name in Hawaii. Celebrities may not so subtly be saying that for them ordinary rules need not apply. "Subtly", my ass... If celebrities are the new American aristocracy, the exotic baby name can sometimes function as the equivalent of a royal title, a way for a privileged caste to bestow the power of its legacy on future generations. God, I can't wait for computer generated animation to put these folks out of business. "There's a sense of 'I'm special, I'm different, and therefore my child is special and different,' " said Jenn Berman, a clinical psychologist in Beverly Hills, who has worked with actors. "It's unconscious, but they think, 'We're a creative family, you have the potential to be creative, so here, I bestow you with the name 'Joaquin,' " Dr. Berman said. Or his brother, "River". Who died of a heroin overdose outside Johnny Depp's Viper Room. So I guess a whacky name isn't always your expressway to the big time. As artists, actors often consider it their duty to shake up assumptions, defy conventions and push the frontiers of the possible. To settle for a tedious name for the child would almost be a form of spiritual surrender, said Stuart Fischoff, a psychologist, who has also worked with Hollywood clients. And screw sentencing the kid to a life of merciless taunting. This is about ME, dammit! "They're expressing their creativity, and they're also expressing their fear," Dr. Fischoff said. "It would be very embarrassing for people to think of them as normal." Don't worry. We don't. |
| Posted by:tu3031 |
| #42 That's crazy. Everyone knows Sawfylas is a boy's name. |
| Posted by: ed 2006-04-20 23:59 |
| #41 I'll go with Precious Hosemonster... |
| Posted by: tu3031 2006-04-20 23:52 |
| #40 hey any guesses on what brad and anjelina will name their baby? |
| Posted by: Jan 2006-04-20 23:49 |
| #39 In the NICU we had some papers on the counter that had info regarding syphilis and gonorrhea. One of the mother's coming in to see her twin baby girls saw the papers and liked the "names". She named them syphilis (she pronounced it: saw fy las) and gonorrhea (she pronounced it: gone rye a), I am not kidding you, even when we told her what the words meant she still named them this, saying she loved the names. These girls are probably about 16 years old now. True I kid you not. |
| Posted by: Jan 2006-04-20 23:43 |
| #38 Yeah, DB, I was always kinda dubious about it. Nobody could be that friggin stupid I thought. But then I read about Moxie Crimefighter and figured...maybe. |
| Posted by: tu3031 2006-04-20 23:38 |
| #37 I knew of a Sweet family that contained two girls, Truly and Nicely. |
| Posted by: Mike 2006-04-20 22:35 |
| #36 I once knew a man named "Toofi Deep" |
| Posted by: Redneck Jim 2006-04-20 22:25 |
| #35 tu3031, that same story is in Freakonomics, so I would kind of look at that with a bit of suspicion. |
| Posted by: Desert Blondie 2006-04-20 22:11 |
| #34 I knew a nurse at an inner city ER who swears a kid named Shithead was brought in one night. Mom said it was pronounced She-tay-ed. |
| Posted by: tu3031 2006-04-20 20:39 |
| #33 Golden and his brother Slide Rule /Miami Trivia |
| Posted by: 6 2006-04-20 19:46 |
| #32 Peppermint |
| Posted by: Frank G 2006-04-20 19:42 |
| #31 Water Loo |
| Posted by: RD 2006-04-20 19:28 |
| #30 How old do you have to be to legally change your name? I can tell you I'd be Apple/Dweezle/Moon Unit only as long as I legally had to, until then I'd go by my middle name. My ex brother-in-law was named York. He went by his middle name instead. |
| Posted by: rjschwarz 2006-04-20 19:27 |
| #29 Gordon Gate? |
| Posted by: Frank G 2006-04-20 19:13 |
| #28 Yep, when Chinese choose English names they make some weird choices. I had one guy who worked for me pick the name of a bridge, because he "liked the sound of it." |
| Posted by: phil_b 2006-04-20 19:07 |
| #27 Ok! Nobody mentioned it so.... This was covered in that famous song... A Boy Named Sue My daddy left home when I was three And he didn't leave much to ma and me Just this old guitar and an empty bottle of booze. Now, I don't blame him cause he run and hid But the meanest thing that he ever did Was before he left, he went and named me "Sue." Well, he must o' thought that is quite a joke And it got a lot of laughs from a' lots of folk, It seems I had to fight my whole life through. Some gal would giggle and I'd get red And some guy'd laugh and I'd bust his head, I tell ya, life ain't easy for a boy named "Sue." Well, I grew up quick and I grew up mean, My fist got hard and my wits got keen, I'd roam from town to town to hide my shame. But I made a vow to the moon and stars That I'd search the honky-tonks and bars And kill that man who gave me that awful name. Well, it was Gatlinburg in mid-July And I just hit town and my throat was dry, I thought I'd stop and have myself a brew. At an old saloon on a street of mud, There at a table, dealing stud, Sat the dirty, mangy dog that named me "Sue." Well, I knew that snake was my own sweet dad From a worn-out picture that my mother'd had, And I knew that scar on his cheek and his evil eye. He was big and bent and gray and old, And I looked at him and my blood ran cold And I said: "My name is 'Sue!' How do you do! Now your gonna die!!" Well, I hit him hard right between the eyes And he went down, but to my surprise, He come up with a knife and cut off a piece of my ear. But I busted a chair right across his teeth And we crashed through the wall and into the street Kicking and a' gouging in the mud and the blood and the beer. I tell ya, I've fought tougher men But I really can't remember when, He kicked like a mule and he bit like a crocodile. I heard him laugh and then I heard him cuss, He went for his gun and I pulled mine first, He stood there lookin' at me and I saw him smile. And he said: "Son, this world is rough And if a man's gonna make it, he's gotta be tough And I knew I wouldn't be there to help ya along. So I give ya that name and I said goodbye I knew you'd have to get tough or die And it's the name that helped to make you strong." He said: "Now you just fought one hell of a fight And I know you hate me, and you got the right To kill me now, and I wouldn't blame you if you do. But ya ought to thank me, before I die, For the gravel in ya guts and the spit in ya eye Cause I'm the son-of-a-bitch that named you "Sue.'" I got all choked up and I threw down my gun And I called him my pa, and he called me his son, And I came away with a different point of view. And I think about him, now and then, Every time I try and every time I win, And if I ever have a son, I think I'm gonna name him Bill or George! Anything but Sue! I still hate that name! Next. |
| Posted by: 3dc 2006-04-20 18:29 |
| #26 Don't get me started, 6. In South Alabama in the early 60s Trailer was a popular name for a boy. I know a guy named Early (he was a week early). |
| Posted by: Deacon Blues 2006-04-20 18:28 |
| #25 The |
| Posted by: 6 2006-04-20 18:16 |
| #24 "Why stars name babies Moxie, Moses and Apple" They're narcissitic, clueless idiots. |
| Posted by: Barbara Skolaut 2006-04-20 17:54 |
| #23 To be honest I always thought most of the 'star' names were created as intentional pseudonames so the kids could have some privacy if desired. It seemed to make sense but this article has made me reconsider now. I'm still pulling for Pen to have done this, he sounds pretty darn smart on his radio show. |
| Posted by: rjschwarz 2006-04-20 16:26 |
| #22 Regarding Apple as a name. I'm wondering if Colplay was selling a lot of songs on iTunes the month the Baby was born. I'm also wondering if the kid becomes a musician if Apple records will sue. |
| Posted by: rjschwarz 2006-04-20 16:25 |
| #21 Broadhead6, supposedly it means "princess" in Hebrew or "red rose" in Persian. Don't speak the languages, so I really couldn't say if that is real or they are just pulling that outta their asses. I wish they would have picked "Xenu". I'm surprised they didn't mention one of the absolute worst names ever by some celebrity dork: Audioscience. WTF??? |
| Posted by: Desert Blondie 2006-04-20 15:04 |
| #20 Thanks for the correction, TW. |
| Posted by: Mike 2006-04-20 14:34 |
| #19 Maimonedes, Mike. Nicknamed Rambam (for Rabbi Moses ben Maimonedes). He was also a physician -- personal physician to the Muslim ruler in Cairo, and an overly thriving practice amongst the commoners besides. A busy man. ;-) |
| Posted by: trailing wife 2006-04-20 13:26 |
| #18 "Apples are so sweet, and they're wholesome, and it's biblical," Ms. Paltrow said How are apples Biblical? Genesis says the fruit of the tree, not the apple. Now if she'd have said Moses is Biblical, I'd say of course. But no, Moses is from a song. Sheesh. |
| Posted by: Spot 2006-04-20 13:22 |
| #17 "Moses" is archaic and uncommon, but not as flat-out wierd as the rest of 'em in the article. I was friends in junior high school with a kid named Moses. Besides the Moses, history also gives us Moses Cleveland (founder of the Mistake on the Lake) and Moses Mamiedies (sp?) (Medieval Jewish scholar and ethicist), and the Coldplay song is probably the best thing they've ever recorded. |
| Posted by: Mike 2006-04-20 11:44 |
| #16 Hey, I know a girl named Apple. But she's Chinese, and Chinese people often pick wacky English names. I know people named Rainbow, Dolphin, Dragon, Elf, and so on. My own Chinese name means "Radium". But hey, these are people picking their own names, not trying to make cheap headlines by saddling an infant with an unfortunate name. |
| Posted by: gromky 2006-04-20 11:23 |
| #15 I could see giving a kid an exotic name based on one's ethnic heritage - for instance my boy has an out of the ordinary Irish first name based on my wife and my background. I knew some older southern baptist black folks w/very biblical names - Moses being one. However I don't think Paltrow is jewish and is obviously not black. As for the rest - what a bunch of clowns. One more reason to be put off by hollywood narcissism. BTW - I heard that lron hubbard lover spawned yesterday - anybody know what Suri means? Some sort of indian curry dish perhaps? |
| Posted by: Broadhead6 2006-04-20 11:14 |
| #14 "After being charged 20 pounds for a 10 pounds overdraft, 30 year old Michael Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed poll to "Yorkshire Bank Plc are Fascist Bastards". The Bank has now asked him to close his account, and Mr Bastards has asked them to repay the 69p balance by cheque, made out in his new name." Guardian |
| Posted by: pihkalbadger 2006-04-20 10:45 |
| #13 I remember in the SF bay area in the 60s a guy tried to legally change his name to Jefferson F*ck Poland, but the judge denied his request. Then they argued about a change to Jefferson F. Poland. |
| Posted by: Alaska Paul 2006-04-20 10:28 |
| #12 Actually, if I were Penn Jillette's daughter, I'd be more pissed about the genes he passed on to me than with any name he could pull out of his fat ass. |
| Posted by: BH 2006-04-20 10:20 |
| #11 I've always been partial to Fonte Douchebag von Bananaslammer, but my wife nixed that one with a quickness. |
| Posted by: BH 2006-04-20 10:18 |
| #10 I'd rather be samed something like Hulphang Uplinger3945. |
| Posted by: Jackal 2006-04-20 09:57 |
| #9 I'm not. |
| Posted by: Nimble Spemble 2006-04-20 08:36 |
| #8 Indeed. I'm sure Cher's daughter Chastity is. |
| Posted by: lotp 2006-04-20 08:08 |
| #7 "Everyone I know with an unusual name loves it," he wrote. "It's only the losers named Dave that think having an unusual name is bad, and who cares what they think. They're named Dave." "Moxie CrimeFighter"? I don't think that's bad, not at all. What better way to brand her for life as the child of a frivolous, self-indulgent asshole? She'll be grateful to you in later years, I'm sure. |
| Posted by: Dave D. 2006-04-20 08:03 |
| #6 I've always thought Zippo would be a good infants name. Too close to "Zeppo". |
| Posted by: Rob Crawford 2006-04-20 07:27 |
| #5 I've always thought Zippo would be a good infants name. How often do you hear it now days? Got a kind of a retro sound to it. Bridges the gendor gap, it could be used for either sex. I bet some Hollywoodistanian has already picked up on it though. |
| Posted by: Besoeker 2006-04-20 05:57 |
| #4 Rachel Griffiths, being a good Aussie lass, may have named her baby after the poet Banjo Paterson. |
| Posted by: Omumble Threack1633 2006-04-20 05:49 |
| #3 May I introduce my two newborn sons: "DORITO" and "TOSTITO"... |
| Posted by: borgboy 2006-04-20 00:44 |
| #2 Moxie and Pepsi? I'm guessing Spam and Frito are next. Right, tu3031? |
| Posted by: Eric Jablow 2006-04-20 00:24 |
| #1 They're all just trying to outdo the late Frank Zappa, but IMHO "Moon Unit" and "Dweezle" will be hard names to top. |
| Posted by: GK 2006-04-20 00:12 |