(2006-10-28) — Under pressure from the U.S. to disarm in the wake of this summer’s war with Israel, Hezbollah announced today that it would spin off its political and social service units to focus on its core business — the development and distribution of terror.

In a corporate news release, CEO Sheikh Hassan Nasrallah said, “Over the years, our success has lead us into several brand extensions — like politics, health care and education. But I’m afraid these have become distractions, and we’ve allowed other terror groups to steal market share while we fiddled around with negotiations and public relations. We need to get back to our core beliefs and focus on becoming world class in our niche.”

The announcement comes as U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice again called on Hezbollah to fulfill the terms of the U.N.-brokered cease fire with Israel by laying down weapons and becoming a legitimate part of the political process in Lebanon.

However, Mr. Nasrallah rejected the idea, saying “it’s ridiculous to think we should change our tactics after all these years. Our enemies are so primitive that they still settle their differences with discussions and documents. They’re diplomatic fanatics. You can’t negotiate with animals like that.”