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| -Short Attention Span Theater- |
| The Nine Secret Rules of Journalism |
| 2007-06-05 |
| Michael Rosenburg, Detroit Free Press "Don't threaten to kill the readers" is actually the ninth rule of journalism. The rules, in order: 1. Afflict the comfortable and comfort the afflicted; then, after the afflicted become comfortable, afflict them again. This should provide an endless supply of news stories. 2. Be balanced. No matter what anybody says, find somebody to say the opposite. If a scientist claims to have a cure for cancer, find somebody who says cancer does not exist. If a man says "My name is Fred," make sure you find somebody who says "No, your name is Diane." Etc. 3. When deciding which tragedies deserve the most prominent coverage, use this simple math: 10,000 foreigners = one cute white American chick. 4. If the President of the United States is accused of violating the law on the same day that an African country erupts into civil war and an especially gloomy economic report is released, and you must decide which one is your lead story, ask yourself this: Did the local sports team just win a big game? 5. Internet, Schminternet. It will be gone in five years. People will always love reading a newspaper -- and so will you, our intrepid reporter, once you accept our buyout offer. 6. When working at the New York Post, make sure your story includes all six W's: Who, What, When, Where, Why and With What Kind of Lubricant. 7. When appearing on television, insinuate that all newspaper reporters are biased. When writing for a newspaper, imply that all television people are boobs with no credibility. When at the bar afterward, complain that nobody trusts journalists anymore. 8. Keep each of the following on speed dial: a wacko religious leader who believes that God loves all his children, except the ones who skip church once in awhile; a gun nut who put semiautomatic weapons on his baby registry; an anti-weapons nut who thinks there should be a 10-day waiting period before buying steak knives; a legendary, highly quotable politician who has not been sober past noon since 1991, and a self-designated leader of each of the following minority groups: African Americans, Asians, Latinos, American Indians, homosexuals, transsexuals, fat people, skinny people, people with absolutely no distinguishing physical attributes, and foot fetishists. 9. When threatening to kill other human beings, make sure they do not live in your coverage area. I knew I should have read to the end. |
| Posted by:Mike |
| #3 10) Don't be afraid to use your marginal whit and talent to influence the illiterate masses with bald faced lies in a shameless attempt to further your seditious, left leaning, maligned philosophy. |
| Posted by: bigjim-ky 2007-06-05 22:31 |
| #2 "If it bleeds, it leads". When you have a good story, but no blood, use the time honored tactic of "Bystanders/Witnesses said" to make it bleed enough to lead, corrections are never read unless the corrected news is worse than first reported. |
| Posted by: Redneck Jim 2007-06-05 20:01 |
| #1 10) Write what your editor wants you to write, or you won't get published, you won't get paid, and you will told in more explicit terms to write what your editor wants you to write. 11) Write by the foot, get published by the inch. And not the inch your wrote, but your byline is on it anyway. 12) If they give you free liquor, they have something important to say. The same with press releases that need minimal work on your part. 13) It's the job of the paper's sob sister to offend little old ladies, not yours. Don't step on his turf unless you want your toes chopped off. 14) Keep a dozen backup stories that can be brushed up and will pass your editor in five minutes, in case everything goes wrong. 15) Ethics just gets in the way. |
| Posted by: Anonymoose 2007-06-05 11:07 |