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-Lurid Crime Tales-
Middle school issues ban on intentional flatulence
2008-02-05
The Merriam Webster Dictionary definition for flatulence is brief: "flatus expelled through the anus." And while it's a natural bodily function, it seems some Camden-Rockport Middle School eighth-grade boys are taking it to new heights and making a game of seeing who can expel the loudest and grossest flatus.
Do tell? Junior high school boys blowing farts, is it? Has that ever happened before?
According to this week's Fire Cracker school newsletter though, the joke's on the boys as the penalty for "intentional farting" is now a detention.
Whoa! That really stinks!
"Strange, but true, thanks to a bunch of 8th grade boys, intentional farting has been banned from CRMS," the newsletter said. "It started out as a funny joke and eventually turned into a game. This is the first rule at CRMS that prevents the use of natural bodily functions. The penalty for intentional farting is a detention, so keep it to yourself!"
If you light it, it's two weeks, dammit!
According to a group of seventh-grade students milling around downtown following Friday's storm-related early release, the eighth-graders' escapades are well known in the school. "They would do it in science class and other places," said Jordan Tyler. "It's a natural occurrence and we all do it 16 times a day."
... though after 8th grade we don't usually roll up on one cheek to crack one off.
When questioned where he learned that information, Tyler and the other students all said it was true, though they couldn't remember where they heard it. One of the other students, Kyle Ruger, said the act by the boys was funny, but he had mixed feelings about whether it was appropriate.
When you get older you'll sometimes have mixed feelings about how funny it was, but you'll have no doubt whether it was appropriate.
Jordan Knowlton minced no words when she expressed how she felt, saying, "It's gross."
Pulled his finger, did you, Jordan?
Remy LeVine said he was in the class when CRMS science teacher Brad LaRoche talked to all the eighth-grade boys about the issue, as well as the consequences. Attempts to reach CRMS Principal Maria Libby Friday afternoon were unsuccessful and school Superintendent Patricia Hopkins said she had not heard anything about the issue or the alleged suspected result, though she did get a good chuckle out of the news.
Posted by:Fred

#15  I think this article calls for the Mr. Methane graphic.
Posted by: xbalanke   2008-02-05 17:34  

#14  Legal question for all you lawyers in the RBurg crew (yeah, right)....

Does eating at the school cafeteria constitute intent?
Posted by: Tarzan Ebbuting8994   2008-02-05 17:32  

#13  Now, how can you persuade boys from eating their sprouts if they aren't allowed to have a little fun at class
Posted by: JFM   2008-02-05 16:09  

#12  This school is certainly dumb. The boys could always retaliate by going silent but deadly.
Classes would be interrupted as students panicked for clean air. I think the FRAP and giggle option is far more humane than the white raisin toxin.
Posted by: wxjames   2008-02-05 15:44  

#11  Bring me the guilty anus!!
Posted by: macofromoc   2008-02-05 13:58  

#10  I got one thing to say to the principal of this school...

C'mere and pull my finger.
Posted by: OldSpook   2008-02-05 13:40  

#9  What do you do to teachers that Fart?
Posted by: Redneck Jim   2008-02-05 13:35  

#8  Fools! Don't they realize the danger!? This is criminal! Madness.
Posted by: anonymous5089   2008-02-05 11:08  

#7  Next is the ban on boners for students called upon to write something on the blackboard.
Posted by: Excalibur   2008-02-05 10:43  

#6  Honestly teacher (fart monitor?), I didn't mean to fart--it was unintentional.
Posted by: JohnQC   2008-02-05 10:22  

#5  When I was in Junior High, farting was a competitive sport! And we didn't call it middle school either.

What a bunch of wussies these Liberals are. Time to thin the herd.
Posted by: Grack Guelph4970   2008-02-05 09:27  

#4  Haha... it actually reminds me... I had the nickname... the "B1 Bomber" for awhile in middle school... silent but deadly... lol...

Blackvenom-2001
Posted by: Blackvenom-2001   2008-02-05 08:48  

#3  I would have to just move my belongings into detention.
Posted by: Cyber Sarge   2008-02-05 07:25  

#2  It has always struck me as somewhat strange that some women go to any length not to fart out loud or fart in public. This independent survey extends to my EXs and relatives. It's also cross cultural, hey maybe loud reports are in the DNA!
~:)

Of course nowadays I'm way to considerate to Fart around anyone, even though my Flatus-es are pine-scented springtime-fresh noiseless emissions!

Truth be told it's my extensive LURRP training; It broke me of the Bad habit of ripping Loud MARK V Battle Farts off during combat [firefights].

/PU
Posted by: RD   2008-02-05 06:07  

#1  ... though after 8th grade we don't usually roll up on one cheek to crack one off.

Eh? Really?

Posted by: Rob Crawford   2008-02-05 05:58  

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