Before there was The Onion, before there was Scrappleface, there was the most respected name in major media: WEEKLY WORLD NEWS!DJIBOUTI - The Somali pirates, renegade Somalis known for hijacking ships for ransom in the Gulf of Aden, are negotiating a purchase of Citigroup. The pirates would buy Citigroup with new debt and their existing cash stockpiles, earned most recently from hijacking numerous ships, including most recently a $200 million Saudi Arabian oil tanker. The Somali pirates are offering up to $0.10 per share for Citigroup, pirate spokesman Sugule Ali said earlier today.
The negotiations have entered the final stage. Ali stated, "You may not like our price, but we are not in the business of paying for things. Be happy we are in the mood to offer the shareholders anything at all."
The pirates will finance part of the purchase by selling new Pirate Ransom Backed Securities. The PRBS's are backed by future ransom payments from hijackings in the Gulf of Aden. Moody's and S&P have already issued their top investment grade ratings for the PRBS's.
Head pirate Ubu Kalid Shandu said, "We need a bank so that we have a place to keep all of our ransom money. Thankfully, the dislocations in the capital markets have allowed us to purchase Citigroup at an attractive valuation and to take advantage of TARP capital to grow the business even faster."
Shandu added, "We don't call ourselves pirates. We're coast guards. This will just allow us to guard our coasts better."