Weekly World NewsPALM SPRINGS, FL -- Continuing a terrible holiday season, Bernard Madoff was forced to celebrate Hannukah with an unlikely Jew -- The Alien! After details of an investment scam came to light in the last two weeks, Madoff's own children disowned him and have ceased communication since the reports first emerged.
So he was feeling . . . alien-ated, was he?
Madoff was hoping the spirit of the season would warm the icy tension that had developed within his family, but relations had not improved in time for the first night of Hanukkah. "It's terrible not being with your children during the holidays," Madoff told reporters. "No one will talk to me, no one wanted to share my latkes or drink my Manischevitz.
Man, oh Manischevitz, what a whine!
That's why I was so delighted to get a call from the Alien. He knows what its like to be scrutinized and probed."
Questions have surrounded the existential and religious beliefs of the Alien for years. Although the Alien has never admitted to having a Bar Mitzvah, it is now believed that he practices Judasim. While the Alien may celebrate the minor holiday Hanukkah, not everyone is convinced that the Alien is a practicing Jew."Who knows what this actually signifies," Rabbi Eli Weisberg of Temple Beth Shalom Israel said. "Plenty of Jews celebrate Christmas not as a religious holiday but as an excuse to get together with friends and family and be joyful. And I know plenty of shiksas and goyum who stick a Menorah on top of the tree, light a candle or two then eat gelt for a week and open more presents. It's a little meshuga if you ask me, but what do I know? I'm an alter kocker."
Oy vey! These stereotypes, the headaches they give me. What am I to you, Mister Weekly World News Writer, chopped liver?
There are reportedly photos of the Alien comforting a weeping Madoff after he lost chocolate coins during a dreidle game, but Weekly World News has yet to verify this.