| Africa is a very strange place. First shaking hands with the wrong person causes the peepee to fall off, now this. |
"Stick it up, big boy!"
Cases of men who have been sexually abused by women are common in the country and hardly a week passes without such a report being made in the media.
"Hmmm... Debauched you, did they? Right. And how many of them did you say there were? And all nekkid?... Do tell."
The motives of these women are not known,
"Babs, I'm gonna go out and rape some guy!"
"Why you gonna do that, Harriet?"
"I don't know."
but there is speculation that they may be doing this for ritual purposes.
"O-o-o-o-om mane padme mumbo jumbo...!"
"We appeal to members of the public to pass any information to the police regarding three women who have gone on a spree of kidnapping and indecently assaulting young men around town," Harare police boss Angeline Guvamombe said in a statement.
"hubba-hubba-hubba-hubba-Help! Help! I'm being indecently assaulted!-hubba-hubba-hubba-Oh, baby! Don't stop!..."
"The women drive in posh cars and offer their unsuspecting victims lifts before spraying some liquid substance on their faces.
"Say, thanks for the lift, lady! Gosh! This is a swell car!... PFFFT!... [SWOON!]"
"Once the victim is drowsy, he is taken to a secluded place or house where he is forced to have sex," said Ms Guvamombe.
"Wimmin! Yer all alike! You only want me fer my body!"
"I want to warn these criminals that their days are numbered," she added.
"Yeah! They're really gonna get it!... Come to think of it, they've already had it..."
On Monday, the Herald reported that two men were kidnapped last week and forced to have sex with women at gunpoint.
"I feel so degraded!"
"Wearin' those jeans you wuz askin' for it!"
In one of the incidents, a 30-year-old man was kidnapped by three women and forced to have sex with them for five days.
"It wuz a nightmare!"
"Y'know, there's men all over the world that'd like to have a nightmare like that!"
"Most of 'em's under the age of 19!"
In some cases, the women use protection and collect the men's sperm, leading to speculation that they were in the activity for ritual purposes.
"Okay, Harriet! I'm gonna perform the Lap Dance of the Rising Moon! Do you have the bucket ready?"
"Ready to go, Babs!"
At times, the women are helped by gunnies.
"I feel for ya, bub, but better you than me! Stick it up!"
Since the strange rape cases began sometime last year, no one has been placed in long-term storage.
"Drat, Inspector! We were that close!"
Police have said the women cannot be charged with rape because Zim-bob-wean law does not recognise that women can rape men.
The sight of a firearm in certain situations is a sure way to cause limpness in most men.
But they will be charged with indecent assault, which carries a lesser sentence.
Maybe they can be cellmates with Bubba...