A US drone strike in Pakistan's tribal region has killed three Egyptians linked to the Haqqani network, including one who played a key role in handling the militant group's finances, Pakistani intelligence officials said on Sunday. "Ummm... Al-Masri?"
"What? And don't call me al-Masri, Nadine! Call me Abu Shahadat!"
"Whatever. What's that sound?"
"That? It's the wheel bearing. I've got an appointment at the tire place to have it fixed."
"No. That other sound."
"That one? It always makes that noise. That's the differential."
"No, the other one."
"What other one?"
[KABOOM!]
"Aaaiiieee! That one! [GASP!... twitch... twitch... rattle]
The three men were killed on Friday when a drone fired missiles at a car near Miran Shah, the main town in North Waziristan, said the officials, speaking on condition of anonymity because they were not authorised to talk to the media. A fourth person was also killed but has not been identified.
"Run a DNA test on that piece over there, wouldja, Sam?"
"Sure, Dr. Quincy! Hey, Al! Bring me a putty knife and a sponge!"
US intelligence believes the Haqqanis are the top threat to security in Afghanistan and that they enjoy the support of the Pakistani army.
The alternatives are Hekmatyar's network, Mullah Omar's Taliban, and al-Qaeda. Hekmatyar's too busy plotting and planning against everybody else to actually be effective. For enough cash and weaponry he'd sell himself out.
It wants the army to sever its ties and attack the group, something that Islamabad refuses to do.
"What? Give up our strategic depth? Certainly not! Besides, they'd kick the spit out of us!"
The issue is a main cause of tension between the two countries, and Pakistan's reluctance to co-operate has prompted the U.S. to step up missile strikes against the Haqqani network in the group's safe haven in North Waziristan.
If I've counted correctly, this one makes a half dozen in a week.
The US does not acknowledge the CIA-run drone program in Pakistan,
"Eh? CIA? Drones? In Pakistain? You can't mean us!"
"Check with the Ruritanians. They've been active lately."
but officials have said privately that the attacks have killed senior militant commanders from the Haqqani network, the Taliban and al-Qaeda.
"No! Reeeeally?"
They also doubled as senior commanders in the ISI...
One of the Egyptians killed Friday was a 28-year-old man named Abdullah who helped handle the Haqqani network's finances in Pakistan and Afghanistan, said the intelligence officials. He was known locally as Nadeem.
When he put on his burka disguise on date nights he was known locally as Nadine.