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| -Short Attention Span Theater- |
| Don't believe what you read about happiness. It's all lies. |
| 2013-08-11 |
| [NEWS.AU] THIS week, this website ran a piece which was very popular with readers. Call me a miserable cynic, but I found it one of the most indulgent pieces of tripe in history. So here's what happens next. We run Shannon Kaiser's list again and I tell you what I think of each of the author's points. And everybody goes away happy - cynics, fans, everybody. Shannon Kaiser is identified later in the piece as a "life coach." You know this is gonna be a fun ride. Because you see, the true secret to happiness is not mindless, second-hand, dog-eared platitudes and faux nuggets of wisdom like Kaiser's woeful excuse for a list. It's saying what you really think and being bold enough to stand behind it. Enough preamble. The list. Hers and mine ... 1. Stop worrying, if it is supposed to happen it will. Riiight. So straight off the bat with some deterministic bullsh-t. Tornados, hurricanes, earthquakes are things that will happen regardless of what you do. Your bald tire blowing on a high-speed curve is something it's within your power to control. 2. Allow yourself to be a beginner. No one starts off being excellent. Actually, this is one of the few bits of good advice on the list. Don't settle for being incompetent for longer than absolutely necessary. They come to see the guy fly through the air with the greatest of ease. They won't pay as much just to see him fly. But first he's gotta learn to fly. 3. Don't let your happiness depend on anything outside of yourself. OK, so if I'm starving to death and my nation is at war and the neighbours play ACDC really loudly late at night and everyone I know has cancer, I'll just stay nice and happy. Uh-huh. Sure thing. Whatever you say, Sarah. We're not as close as the ungulates, but man is a social animal. Without the comfort of others we're unhappy almost by definition. Home and family and friends make up the core of most mature adults' comfort zone. 4. Stay close to everything that makes you feel alive. Yeah, but let's say I like the sea. And let's I say I want to live in a dwelling larger than a shoebox? How's this going to help me in an Australian city in 2013? Don't get too far from your oxygen tank. 5. Listen to your body, it will lead you to unlimited health. My body says it wants coffee. I'm listening hard. It also says it wants hot chips. I'm not sure these things are the source of unlimited health. If I go back to the gym this afternoon my muscles are going to scream because I've been sluggish and barely moving for the past few months. If I listen to my muscles I'll drop the whole idea, go to McDonald's, and have a chocolate shake. If I ignore my body I'll start getting back into some semblance of health until my next trip to the emergency room. 6. Surround yourself with people who see your greatness. Sorry Sarah, but it's a bit embarrassing when I keep bringing my mother to work. I'm not sure if she's suggesting groupthink as a way of life or setting up your own cult of personality. In fact, I'm not sure there's a difference. But it sounds like it leads to "brook no opposition." 7. Make peace with your past. See also Point 21: "forgive yourself". Warning: this list repeats itself a lot. Does that mean shrug off responsibility for damage you've done? 8. See all setbacks as growth and expansive opportunities. Actually, the word "expansive" means spacious or roomy, not something with potential to expand. Just sayin'. Sometimes setbacks are a sign you should be in a different line of work. 9. Comparing yourself to others will hurt your health and steal your joy. Funny, because all the other boring predictable lists like this say you should emulate those you admire. Don't bother with that ''if he can make it, so can I'' nonsense. You can't. 10. Don't give up, EVER. Yeah, that's OK good advice. Unless you happen to be a stalker, of course, in which case you should give up immediately. Keep at it. Eventually you'll perfect that perpetual motion machine. 11. You always have a choice. No you don't. This is the oldest, stupidest, lamest myth in the book. Surely the secret to happiness is to make the right choices at those moments when you genuinely do have a choice, and to suck it up the rest of the time without sooking. Surely the really happy people are the ones who can cop bad stuff without sooking, aren't they? Sometimes the choice comes down to "blindfold and cigarette?" 12. Stop chasing what's not working. Yeah that's not bad advice. Otherwise paraphrased as not throwing good money after bad. So a decent point, but not even faintly original. I'm not too sure how it relates to "Dont give up, ever." 13. Believe wholeheartedly in miracles. OK, so now we're getting religious. You can believe in miracles, but you can't order them up to taste. 14. Don't postpone joy. I want to go skiing today. There is lots of snow. It's August. I really, really want to go skiing. See, but I have to be at work. That's a great recipe for playing with yourself when you should be working. When you're dead, nobody's going to say "he or she lived a good life. He or she had lots of orgasms." If they remember you at all, it'll be as the man or woman who founded Consolidated. 15. Trust the universe, there is a plan greater than yours. No there isn't. No one is up there plotting your life for you. Even the most ardent biblical scholar will tell you your destiny is fairly and squarely in your own hands. That's why there is this whole concept of forgiveness. Why would Jesus or the giant spaghetti monster or anyone forgive you if you weren't responsible for anything you did because the universe has planned it all? Honestly, nothing makes me angrier than people who believe in determinism. If the universe has a plan greater than mine, why should I believe in miracles? For that matter, why even bother? The universe is a lot bigger than me or any other non-solipsist. 16. Wake up every morning with a grateful heart. Righto, so there's another decent one on this list. Some things you should be grateful for, others not. If you're walking down the street in Zanzibar and somebody splashes you with acid, don't be grateful for that. The Count of Monte Cristo had lots to be grateful for. None of them was the Chateau d'If. 17. Remember things take time. Yeah, ya pretty much covered that one up in Number 2, Sarah. Time takes things, too. 18. Always trust your gut. Hang on, why do I need to trust my own gut if the universe has got it all planned for me? Do I turn internal or external? Help me, Sarah. I'm confused. My gut's wrong about forty percent of the time. How's yours do? 19. No need to change people; just love them for who they are. Sorry Sarah, Billy Joel beat you to that one. Also, you should learn how to use semicolons better. Himmler and Heydrich were just lovable souls, all unspoiled. 20. Don't resist change. But so much change these days is change for change's sake. The shallowest people I know are the ones who hang out for a new version of the iPhone. The bovine recital that "change is good" doesn't reflect a lot of thought. Change wasn't good for Herculaneum. 21. Forgive yourself. Hang on, isn't that the universe's job? Or God's job? Damn, I'm confused. Forgiveness is God's job. The sort of people who go through life casually forgiving themselves for having done terrible things are called "sociopaths." 22. Your life is a creative adventure. And people pay you good money as a life coach to hear that? Lots of people lead lives that aren't in the least creative, and probably even more lead lives that aren't adventurous. 23. Release expectations and enjoy the journey, there is no destination. Woman uses old travel cliches and horrible mixed metaphors in already shaky list. That sounds like there is no purpose to life. We're born, we spawn, we die, just like flies. 24. Just do you. I'm sorry but that just sounds rude. You'll grow hair on your palms. 25. You're not broken or damaged. You are perfect just the way you are. Wait a minute. So if we're perfect, why do we need a life coaches? And what the hell is a life coach anyway? What sort of pretentious bullsh-t job title is that? Just go away you horrible woman and don't ever write anything on the internet ever again. I'm not a life coach or anything, but it's my opinion that maturity consists of dealing with the mental, moral, and physical damage inflicted by floating down the stream of life toward the falls that mark the end. Coué, who I believe was the founder of the life coach racket, used to have people recite the mantra "Every day in every way I become better and better." Some did, most didn't. I think the same success ratio applies today. |
| Posted by:Fred |
| #16 A little better verison |
| Posted by: Snavise Cholurt4299 2013-08-11 19:16 |
| #15 Better advice, just remember you are a fluke of the untverse. |
| Posted by: George Glaigum7976 2013-08-11 19:00 |
| #14 Cranking out cliches like imams crank out fatwas. there is some serious industrial strength tripe in this list. Whew!! |
| Posted by: Alaska Paul 2013-08-11 14:17 |
| #13 Change wasn't good for Herculaneum. Good one "Embrace Change" -Ghangis Khan "The Gauls should give up the trappings of the past and embrace change" -Julius Caesar "What this government needs is a bit of change." -Marc Anthony |
| Posted by: swksvolFF 2013-08-11 13:36 |
| #12 Life Coach = Hot Air Blower. The sad thing is that too many weak minded people will pay for this garbage. |
| Posted by: warthogswife 2013-08-11 12:15 |
| #11 #6 - Obama in a sentence |
| Posted by: Frank G 2013-08-11 11:58 |
| #10 Here is one rule: Life's a bitch - deal with it. |
| Posted by: CrazyFool 2013-08-11 11:51 |
| #9 I'll take an hours worth, that should set me up for life. |
| Posted by: Redneck Jim 2013-08-11 11:21 |
| #8 Happiness is having someone else pay $174,000. per hour for your vacation airfare. |
| Posted by: Besoeker 2013-08-11 11:06 |
| #7 "Life is good." |
| Posted by: badanov 2013-08-11 11:01 |
| #6 LOL Peak Oil! Peak Water! LOL! I can wet bed? Happiness is all the fucking around you, get a piece, steal a piece, borrow a piece or look on with binoculars and a cheap liver dish. Life is good, respect it and take care of smaller things. |
| Posted by: Shipman 2013-08-11 10:22 |
| #5 They come to see the guy fly through the air with the greatest of ease. They won't pay as much just to see him fly. Funny, I thought people went to air shows to see the crashes. |
| Posted by: Pappy 2013-08-11 09:39 |
| #4 Re. #2, there are people I'd pay more, much more, to see LEARN to fly, as long as no net, harness, etc. we're involve. |
| Posted by: Glenmore 2013-08-11 09:10 |
| #3 Of course there is always #26: walk down to CVS and pick up a handful of happy pills. Some folks should be depressed. They have made miserable lives for themselves and as time goes on all the people they blame for their miserable lives have moved on (see number 6 on the list). This article is a pick me for those folks who only have self loathing remaining. |
| Posted by: Airandee 2013-08-11 07:33 |
| #2 |
| Posted by: g(r)omgoru 2013-08-11 05:11 |
| #1 Guess who has become a life coach, too? (French link) |
| Posted by: Perfesser 2013-08-11 03:39 |