The news out of the United Kingdom almost reads like a satire piece from The Onion. But as strange as it may sound to people around the world, and especially in the United States, the British bobbies' push to ban knives is no joke.The new "Save a Life – Surrender Your Knife" program is in full swing and police are telling us that they have joined forces with an already growing trend in the United Kingdom to ban "pointy" knives.
"And how do you cut a steak with a spoon?" -- Alexander Denes, in the Second Doctor story The Enemy of the World
Lancashire Police tell us that an "amnesty" program began at the end of August, and "more than 800 knives have been handed in across the county – including swords, machetes and commando knives."
"Sorry, Sam Gamgee, you can't go poaching poor defenseless giant spiders anymore. I don't believe this BS about it threatening your friend, anyway."
"The amnesty was extended for a further week owing to its success," Lancashire Police representatives explained.
The Lancashire department explains that their "officers have now given their backing to a national initiative designed to raise awareness of knife crime and encourage the surrender of dangerous weapons."
"If they aren't completely dependent on Caesar to protect them (or not), they'll be more likely to spread the lie that Caesar is not a god."
In spite of the amnesty ending this week, police tell us that "people can continue to hand in any knife at any police station with a front counter as well being able to drop them into the designated bins."
Those bins will be in cities all over the U.K. as this call for people to turn in pointed knives continues.
"And we'd better not hear stories in the news about any thwarted crimes--that's our job."
"We are keen to raise awareness of the devastating impact of knife crime and to reduce the number of families affected so we have decided to keep the knife bins indefinitely," Detective Chief Inspector Steve Dowson said.
When knives are outlawed, only outlaws will have knives.
"While projects encouraging the surrender of knives are not a single solution to violence, they have an important role to play in inspiring communities to get behind education and preventative measures," he added. "Such campaigns show a desire to address local concerns and Lancashire Police is keen to throw our weight behind them in support.
"We've been delighted with the response so far, but our communities have told us that they want an end to knife crime and that they want to work with us to make that happen."
"Can you say 'backfire'?"
A call from the British Medical Journal was published several years ago, arguing that "many assaults are committed impulsively, prompted by alcohol and drugs, and a kitchen knife often makes an all too available weapon," according to the BBC.
"And an all-too-available means of arrogating to oneself the privilege of self-defense."
Researchers "consulted 10 top chefs from around the UK, and found such knives have little practical value in the kitchen. None of the chefs felt such knives were essential, since the point of a short blade was just as useful when a sharp end was needed."
Again, we remind our readers outside of the UK, that this is not the sort of humor employed by Aristophanes, just another example of the government claiming they are here to protect us from ourselves.
"Ave, Caesar/Ave, Caesar/Caesar, Caesar/Ave, Ave..."
In the UK, the rate of knife violence is approximately one in every 374 people victimized, compared with a rate of one in 750 people victimized by gun violence in the United States.
A rate that is about to skyrocket.