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| Home Front: Culture Wars |
| Nation's Apple Orchards Brace For Horde Of White People |
| 2019-08-20 |
| [Babylon Bee] HARVARD, IL‐With the crisp days of autumn approaching quickly, apple orchards are preparing themselves for the onslaught of families ready to fill their baskets with ripe fruit. Apple picking has become more than just a growing trend, and scientists warn that this year’s influx of visitors is expected to reach dangerous levels. "Every year it gets worse," says sociologist Ian Andrews. "And without question, the vast majority of visitors come from white suburbia, something like 98.8%. We’re not sure what the draw is, but these folks come out in droves. We’re warning orchards everywhere to get stocked up on wagons, wooden cartoon cutouts, and of course apple cider donuts. If these things aren’t in place, there’s no telling what kind of riots could break out." Experts note that among their favorite activities, white suburban customers enjoy waiting in long lines, yelling at their tired kids, and pretending to know what the different apple varieties taste like. Paul Newton, who works at the family-run Oak Royale Orchard in Harvard, Illinois, is no stranger to the horde. "It takes your breath away when you see it for the first time. Minivans and SUVs descend upon us like a swarm of locusts. If you’re not ready, it’ll eat you alive." Despite the challenges, orchards are grateful for the business and thankful their customers haven’t realized the same apples are available for a lot less hassle in their local grocery stores. |
| Posted by:Besoeker |
| #5 BTW If you visit the UK don't drink lots of Cider... Try the Moloko Vellocet. That stuff will really get you going! |
| Posted by: SteveS 2019-08-20 15:23 |
| #4 Love a good cider of the ++ variety. |
| Posted by: swksvolFF 2019-08-20 14:57 |
| #3 Time for Cyril Kornbluth to reappear and write The Last White Man... |
| Posted by: M. Murcek 2019-08-20 13:07 |
| #2 BTW If you visit the UK don't drink lots of Cider... It's AppleJuice++ |
| Posted by: Bright Pebbles 2019-08-20 12:57 |
| #1 Near Harvard, IL and about 55 miles west of Chicago. Great family fun! Edwards Apple Orchard |
| Posted by: Besoeker 2019-08-20 12:49 |