NATIONAL SECRETARIAT FOR COVID-19 AFFAIRS (lightly edited)

SECRETARIAT BANS MANUFACTURE, DISTRIBUTION AND POSSESSION OF TURKEYS WEIGHING MORE THAN NINE POUNDS

Measure to combat the spread of COVID-19 at gatherings

WASHINGTON, DC — The Secretariat today announced an emergency ban on the manufacture, distribution and possession of frozen or cooked turkeys weighing more than nine pounds, effective immediately. This common-sense new measure is required to combat the spread of COVID-19 during the upcoming holidays.

"Large turkeys encourage gatherings of family and friends. These groups are known to congregate in private homes to engage in conversation, laughter, and religious observances such as the saying of grace. Activities like these pose a grave threat to democracy," said Secretariat spokesperson Gretchen Whitmer.

"We encourage Americans of all genders to celebrate Thanksgiving
alone in a dark room streaming the Lions game on their smartphones," Whitmer added. For their own personal safety and sanity, game viewers should wear a mask over their nose and mouth, and another mask over their eyes.

The Party also announced a limited amnesty for consumers already in possession of turkeys weighing more than the proscribed limit. To take advantage of the amnesty, consumers must deliver their partially defrosted turkey to a local Secretariat official no later than Wednesday, November 25 2020. Consumers who also provide a re-heatable side dish and a dessert will be eligible to receive points under the Secretariat's forthcoming social credit program.

The credits may be used to earn privileges such as interstate travel or taking a walk outdoors.

Recognizing the Secretariat's commitment to core first amendment values, the new rules include an exemption for turkeys consumed at sanctioned protests, provided that mass media stakeholders certify the events as mostly peaceful. The exemption also applies to homeless encampments.

Consumers are cautioned that the possession of multiple smaller turkeys weighing more than nine pounds in total is prohibited. Possession of more than eight ounces of cranberry sauce is also prohibited.

Immediate implementation of these guidelines is authorized under previously approved directives adopted in response to the COVID-19 emergency. Further information on these guidelines will be communicated as circumstances dictate.