[Babylon Bee] U.S.—With stimulus payments hitting bank accounts, initial reports indicate most of the money has already been spent by people trying to fill up their cars with gas."It's gone... it's all gone..." said one shocked man as he stood at a gas pump, watching his tiny portion of The American Rescue Plan trickle away forever. "This isn't what I voted for."
According to economists, some of Biden's recent executive orders have driven up gas prices. That, combined with runaway inflation, is projected to increase the cost of filling up an average SUV by a billion-trillion percent.
Biden responded quickly to outcries from angry Americans, promising to pass yet another, even larger stimulus package next month. The next round of checks will provide $6,000 for every American and will cover the cost of one fill-up, plus a Slurpee and a lotto ticket.
The President said he plans to continue sending stimulus checks every month until people "stop whining" or the U.S. dollar collapses, whichever comes first.