| The Jerusalem Post gives the Babylon Bee a run for its money. |
[JPost] Russian President Vladimir Putin was nominated for the Nobel Prize in Medicine on Sunday for his novel approach to ending the COVID-19 pandemic.The pandemic, which had killed millions worldwide and brought the world to a standstill for over two years, was itself brought to a sudden halt on February 24, when Russia conducted a "special medical operation" in Ukraine.
Global medical and scientific experts expressed astonishment that the pandemic had been virtually eliminated from websites, twitter feeds and newspaper headlines.
"It’s amazing, we haven’t heard anything about the COVID-19 pandemic since Russia’s ’operation’ in Ukraine," said Dr. Fauxi of the US National Institutes of Health, who nominated the world leader. "All traces of the virus are gone from newspapers, television and Internet — which are all chief vectors of transmission. At least I think so. We’ll see what the science says next week."
In other new related to the war in Ukraine, the United States decided to ban White Russian cocktails from all bars throughout the country in what is being perceived as a crippling blow to the Russian war effort.
Following a prolonged debate in the Senate, in which Republican senators who opposed the move because they really like White Russians brought in expert Jeffrey "The Dude" Lebowski to testify on their behalf, the bill passed by a narrow majority.
In a surprise move, instead of supporting those that opposed the bill, Lebowski reversed his position.
"I guess I could get used to drinking Black Russian cocktails instead," he testified. However, when told that both drinks would be banned to show solidarity with the Ukrainian people, Lebowski responded, "In that case, I could get used to drinking rum and cokes or Screwdrivers. I’m in."
That move, together with the decision to bar Russia from participating in this year’s Eurovision Song Contest, could prove to be the tipping point for Putin, said former IDF Chief of General Staff Gabi Eyes-on-Top, a senior researcher for cushy positions at the Institute for International Insecurity Studies and Paper Wasting.