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| -Short Attention Span Theater- | |
| The 213 Things Skippy Is No Longer Allowed To Do In The U.S. Army | |
| 2025-05-15 | |
| June 21st, 2007 by skippy [WebArchiveSkippysList] The Skippy List
a) I did myself, and either got in trouble or commended. (I had a Major shake my hand for the piss bottle thing, for instance.) b) I witnessed another soldier do it. (Like the Sergeant we had, that basically went insane, and crucified some dead mice.) c) Was spontaneously informed I was not allowed to do. (Like start a porn studio.) d) Was the result of a clarification of the above. (“What about especially patriotic porn?”) e) I was just minding my own business, when something happened. (“Schwarz…what is *that*?” said the Sgt, as he pointed to the back of my car? “Um….a rubber sheep…I can explain why that’s there….”) To explain how I’ve stayed out of jail/alive/not beaten up too badly….. I’m funny, so they let me live. The 213 Things…. 1. Not allowed to watch Southpark when I’m supposed to be working. 2. My proper military title is “Specialist Schwarz” not “Princess Anastasia”. 3. Not allowed to threaten anyone with black magic. 4. Not allowed to challenge anyone’s disbelief of black magic by asking for hair. 5. Not allowed to get silicone breast implants. 6. Not allowed to play “Pulp Fiction” with a suction-cup dart pistol and any officer. 7. Not allowed to add “In accordance with the prophesy” to the end of answers I give to a question an officer asks me. 8. Not allowed to add pictures of officers I don’t like to War Criminal posters. 9. Not allowed to title any product “Get Over it”. 10. Not allowed to purchase anyone’s soul on government time. 11. Not allowed to join the Communist Party. 12. Not allowed to join any militia. 13. Not allowed to form any militia. 14. Not allowed out of my office when the president visited Sarajevo. 15. Not allowed to train adopted stray dogs to “Sic Brass!” 16. Must get a haircut even if it tampers with my “Samson like powers”. 17. God may not contradict any of my orders. 18. May no longer perform my now (in)famous “Barbie Girl Dance” while on duty. 19. May not call any officers immoral, untrustworthy, lying, slime, even if I’m right. 20. Must not taunt the French any more. 21. Must attempt to not antagonize SAS. 22. Must never call an SAS a “Wanker”. 23. Must never ask anyone who outranks me if they’ve been smoking crack. 24. Must not tell any officer that I am smarter than they are, especially if it’s true. 25. Never confuse a Dutch soldier for a French one. 26. Never tell a German soldier that “We kicked your ass in World War 2!” 27. Don’t tell Princess Di jokes in front of the paras (British Airborne). 28. Don’t take the batteries out of the other soldiers alarm clocks (Even if they do hit snooze about forty times). | |
| Posted by:BrerRabbit |
| #5 SERE is featured in an episode (or two?) of "The Unit". I loved "The Unit"--4 seasons of great story telling. |
| Posted by: Crusader 2025-05-15 12:05 |
| #4 Apparently it is very intense. If you're caught. When I was in, some of those guys took their roles very seriously. |
| Posted by: badanov 2025-05-15 11:03 |
| #3 My favorite is " Do not dare SERE graduates to eat bugs. They will always do it." SERE school is Survival,Evasion, Resistance and Escape. It is given to those who are most likely to become POWs, like pilots. Apparently it is very intense. I talked to one Navy pilot who said he would turn in his wings if they ever made him take it again. |
| Posted by: Rambler 2025-05-15 10:52 |
| #2 An oldie but a goodie. ("Skippy" Scharwz was in the 82nd Abn in Bosnia during the Clinton years.) |
| Posted by: ed in texas 2025-05-15 09:14 |
| #1 Don't wash another's socks. |
| Posted by: Skidmark 2025-05-15 03:31 |