A stripper mauled by a tiger in an Ontario safari park has won $650,000 in damages because her scars meant she could no longer work, Canadian media said on Friday. Jennifer-Anne Cowles was driving through the park nearly nine years ago with her then boyfriend when a tiger jumped into their car and tried to drag them away.
"Hello, OnStar? There's a tiger in our car, trying to drag us away!"
The two insisted their windows had been shut when the tiger charged, although the park had challenged that. The judge accepted the couple's testimony that the power windows had been inadvertently lowered when one of the big cats bumped against the car, frightening them.
"Jennifer-Anne! We're being attacked by tigers!"
"Right. I'll just lock the doors and... Oops. That was the power window button, wudn't it?"
In a ruling delivered on Thursday and reported in a number of Canadian newspapers, Justice Jean MacFarland said she could only imagine the "stark terror experienced by these young people during this horrendous event."
"The horror! They're chewing the fine Corinthian leather!"
She awarded Cowles some $650,000 in damages, almost half of it to compensate for income she would have made as a stripper.
"You think anybody's gonna part with a twenty when they see these?"
"Whoa! Are those stretch marks?"
"No! They're... Ummm... Tiger claw marks!"
Her musician boyfriend, David Balac, won C$1.7 million, because his injuries left him unable to work as an accordion player.
An accordion player. That makes it perfect. And he'll never play the violin again...
African Lion Safari, near Hamilton, Ontario, west of Toronto, said it is reviewing the ruling, but it insisted the park was safe. "Hundreds of millions of people drive through safari style parks worldwide every decade and there are very few incidents causing injury," it said in a statement. "It is one of the safest activities you can do with your family." Cats in the bag?
Posted by: Duke Nukem ||
01/31/2005 00:00:00 AM ||
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#1
Sheesh. I want this halfwit judge if I ever go to court. Wotta tool.
#2
Her musician boyfriend, David Balac, won C$1.7 million, because his injuries left him unable to work as an accordion player.
Fred, if you hilighted that line, it could easily be misinterpreted as one of your clever, humorous, and snarky comments. But it was part of the article. Accordion player! LMAO!
Posted by: Alaska Paul ||
01/31/2005 0:48 Comments ||
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#3
The tiger is still reviewing the matter with his lawyer and will decide whether or not to countersue.
Posted by: Duke Nukem ||
01/31/2005 6:46 Comments ||
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#4
Wow--those accordian players get all the hot babes. Why did I ever bother with the guitar?
Posted by: Dar ||
01/31/2005 7:42 Comments ||
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#6
The judge accepted the coupleâs testimony that the power windows had been inadvertently lowered when one of the big cats bumped against the car, frightening them.
If that's what they testified, then that must be what happened.
.
Posted by: Mike Sylwester ||
01/31/2005 9:01 Comments ||
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#7
Dar: Canada's enlightened socialism understands that some people may, through no fault of their own, be lacking in a certain "hotness" or be unable to produce killer licks because of historical oppression. Therefore it has been mandated that all dorks will have equal access to hotties, and that a certain quota of dork/hottie couples must be maintained.
#9
BH: Does that mean I can get into the top graduate school program if I am hottie deficient?
Posted by: Duke Nukem ||
01/31/2005 11:06 Comments ||
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#10
Duke: Yes, but don't buy any cookies from the College Republicans - they'll charge you an arm and a leg.
I actually tried to get laid on this argument once. Well, sorta. This girl I know said she was a socialist and went on and on about social justice, so I asked if she would sleep with me. I pointed out that it was not my fault that I was unattractive to her, and that it was selfish and unfair of her to withhold from me on the grounds of her body being personal property. I was mostly trying to show the absurdity of her political beliefs, but I allllmost got her thinking about it. At least, that's what I tell myself. ;)
#12
Lol, Doc! Hey, bro, you're thinking of college dives, methinks. Out here in Sin City, at the better Gentlemen's Establishments, it's 10's and 20's, bro!
#15
At the risk of making Barbara, Emily and all the other lurking Rantburgettes blush, if that stripper could pick up a $100 bill out of the beer bottle and fold it without using her hands! maybe the $650,000 is a fair figure after all.
#21
I saw a woman in Hong Kong do some amazing things with a boiled egg.
Posted by: Deacon Blues ||
01/31/2005 20:42 Comments ||
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#22
The cat thing reminds me of the time when I tried to teach my cat swimming in a bathtub with sliding door. She literaly defied gravity, running on the enclosure sides and ceiling. Then she found the opening and consequently my arm.
mojo - 'Twas magic... All we can do is write in the snow.
DB - How far?
Mark E / Sobiesky - Years back I knew a guy who got a kitten at 8 weeks. Never had a cat before, so he treated it like all the dogs he'd had. Only cat I ever saw who would actually stand in the sink and get bathed, walk on a leash, come when called (not just to the sound of the can opener), fetch balls, etc. The Whole Nine Yards. Poor cat, lol!
#24
.com, my X got a cat (5 weeks old) that thought that he is a dog. She did not train him to be a dog, he just was (except for barking--the meows were replaced by eh, eh, eh yappy dog style sounds, albeit higher pitched) for all practical purposes a dog. Leash, chasing away posties, fetching, all natural. Fierce too. For some reason, dogs in the neighborhood avoided him by a wide arc. Perhaps understandably... how do you deal with a cat that is a dog?
Somebody messed up in the incarnation department, I reckon. ;-)
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A stripper mauled by a tiger in an Ontario safari park has won $650,000 in damages because her scars meant she could no longer work, Canadian media said on Friday. Jennifer-Anne Cowles was driving through the park nearly nine years ago with her then boyfriend when a tiger jumped into their car and tried to drag them away. 
