And here it is, the 2004 Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest results are in. Go ye forth and feast upon the badness. See English slaughtered, defiled, degraded, besotted, and berotted. It will probably remind you of something, many somethings, in fact, foisted upon innocent eyes every day in an un-named interactive newspaper thingy... but don't say, er, type it! Still your hand. Be snide in knowing that your posts don't suck, most of the time. Be gracious and forgiving to those of lesser intellect and insight. Be cool. Even whilst whacking a troll, add an "LOL" or two to soften the blows. Be gentle telling Gentle she's a total 'tard. Be above the fray. If you can't manage that, then be mega-brutal and dispatch them quickly with a smackdown so righteous it will sear their eyes from their sockets. Be a verbose buffoon, but a classy one. Be filled with the spirit of Edward George Bulwer-Lytton... you will never be the same - because all your friends will make fun of you. But then you probably deserve it for showing them what you wrote.
Enjoy...
Posted by: .com ||
12/24/2004 8:46:23 AM ||
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Love the annual B-L submittals!
Posted by: Frank G ||
12/24/2004 9:55 Comments ||
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The thing is, I always think the winners are trying too hard, and the best writing comes from the runners up, as here:
"Call me Ishmael," Joanna finally began, a scant fourteen hours before her book report was due, and she sympathized with him and reflected on the likeness of the vast paper tome in front of her to the cetacean antagonist immortalized within, or at least she would have if she'd had any idea what the book was about.
The Soddy press seems to be on a roll, doesn't it?
They usually save this sort of invective for Joooos.
RIYADH: Two Saudi newspapers called Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi "rash" and "mad" on Thursday, a day after Riyadh recalled its ambassador to Tripoli over what it said was a Libyan plot to kill the kingdom's de facto ruler. "Oppression...and policies and thoughts that reach the extent of madness are the highlights of the rule of Muammar Gaddafi," the leading al-Watan newspaper said in a column posted on its Web site. The Okaz daily, which like all Saudi newspapers often reflect official thinking, wrote: "After being patient for so long and after suffering the rash, insolent Libyan leader for so long, the time has come to say stop your irrational behaviour." Saudi Arabia recalled its ambassador from Tripoli on Wednesday and expelled the Libyan envoy over what it called an "atrocious" Libyan plot to assassinate Crown Prince Abdullah. The Saudi move was the latest sign of the near-collapse in ties between Saudi Arabia and Libya.
Posted by: Fred ||
12/24/2004 11:17:41 PM ||
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#5
swear that top medal on the sash is a gear taken from a grandfather clock
Posted by: Frank G ||
12/24/2004 15:22 Comments ||
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Grandfather clock! There are enough gears there to overhaul a transmission. Look at the poor devil's lip -- he has to lift with it to keep all those gears from pulling his chin off.
Posted by: Tom ||
12/24/2004 15:46 Comments ||
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Gunmen opened fire on a public bus in northern Honduras late Thursday, killing at least 23 passengers and wounding 16 others, police said. The shooting took place in the northern Atlantic city of Chamelecon, 125 miles north of the capital, Tegucigalpa, said police spokesman, Deputy Commissioner Wilmer Torres. "It was an unbelievable massacre," he said in a telephone interview. "We don't know yet who did it."
The bus was driving through the heavily populated neighborhood of San Isidro when a car carrying an unknown number of armed attackers cut in front of it and other assailants fired from behind the bus, Torres said. He said officials did not yet know how many people were aboard the bus. Honduras' La Prensa newspaper reported on its Web site that the attackers left a written message alluding to the leader of the country's congress, Rep. Porfirio Lobo.
Posted by: Fred ||
12/24/2004 00:00:00 ||
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What better way of showing your anger at political figures than by killing their constituents? Way to go duuuuuuudes!!!!!
#2
hmmm I wasn't aware Honduras had a city in the northern Atlantic...figgin ignorant reporters
Posted by: Frank G ||
12/24/2004 14:32 Comments ||
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Well they could have been on the northern Atlantic except for the Imperialist bastards who stold the Saint Lawrence Segway from it's rightful owners, Macau.
#4
Frank G: With all due respect, it is common practice in that part of the world to call the Caribean coast the Atlantic coast. Don't know why, but that's how I always heard it said.
From the Rantburg Diplomacy Desk:
India's army chief General Nirmal Chandra Vij was in China on a landmark week-long visit to improve relations -- the first such trip in a decade, diplomats said. "The aim of his visit is basically to promote bilateral relations further and to improve the friendly relations between both countries and the armed forces," a senior Indian diplomat told AFP. India and China fought a brief but bitter border war in 1962 that left their relations in shreds. But in recent years they have played down their territorial disputes to focus on improving commercial and other ties. The Times of India newspaper said India and China have decided to exchange officers to observe each other's military exercises and explore the possibilities of further joint drills. Last year, the two sides conducted their first ever joint naval exercises off the coast of Shanghai. China also conducted joint coastal search and rescue exercises and anti-terrorism drills with India's rival Pakistan this year. Pakistani Prime Minister Shaukat Aziz was in Beijing last week, with both sides agreeing to strengthen military ties. China is Pakistan's strongest ally and Islamabad relies heavily on Beijing for its defence needs. China's transfer and sale of missile technology to Pakistan has long been a source of serious concern to India.
India seems to be making nice with everyone lately...
"Gosh! You got a really big army!"
"And you got a really big army!"
For the second time in a month, a deeply divided Ukraine casts ballots in a runoff election between presidential candidates who have increased their hostile rhetoric since their last fraud-marred vote, raising fears of violence no matter who wins. Opposition candidate Viktor Yushchenko — whose face still is badly scarred from dioxin poisoning this fall that he blamed on authorities — has emerged as the front-runner in Sunday's election. He is building on the momentum of round-the-clock protests launched by his orange-clad supporters after his rival, Prime Minister Viktor Yanukovych, was declared the winner of the Nov. 21 runoff. That balloting was later voided by the Supreme Court, which found there was massive vote-rigging and ordered Sunday's new vote.
Posted by: Fred ||
12/24/2004 11:32:32 PM ||
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Fearing bombings and shootings by Islamic militants, some Christians in Indonesia are abandoning traditional churches in favor of more unorthodox but secure confines, such as hotel ballrooms and office blocks.
It's that fabled Muslim tolerance...
With foreign governments warning of holiday terror attacks, tens of thousands of police officers will guard churches in the world's most populous Muslim nation. Metal detectors will be in place for most services and armed escorts will accompany parishioners, church officials said. "It puts us at a lower risk for being a target for religious persecution," said Pastor Steve Lunn, originally from Seattle, whose International English Service holds worship services for 1,000 people in a downtown Jakarta office building. "People tell me they feel safer," he said. "The facility itself is not the most important thing. It's just a place to gather. The most important thing is being together and worshipping God together."
Posted by: Fred ||
12/24/2004 11:52:46 PM ||
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A militant Myanmar student group on Thursday claimed responsibility for a bombing in the capital Yangon and warned that more attacks will follow unless opposition leader Aung San Suu Kyi is released from house arrest. One worker was injured when the bomb exploded Tuesday in a restaurant popular with foreign tourists in the capital of military-ruled Myanmar, said state media. The Vigorous Burmese Student Warriors — which was behind an embassy hostage drama in Bangkok five years ago — said in a statement sent to AFP that more bomb attacks would follow unless its demands are met.
Posted by: Fred ||
12/24/2004 11:26:42 PM ||
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Good background piece on the Cassini-Huygens mission. It all starts happening Christmas morning.
Posted by: Steve White ||
12/24/2004 12:17:06 AM ||
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The West explores the universe and the Islamic World explores the 7th Century. I dare any one to name one significant thing the Islamic World has achieved in the last 500 years on its own.
#2
We have to keep exploring the heavens, even while we battle the nutcases. Someday this Islamist BS will be over and and we will be heading for the stars, like Carl Sagan said. Billion and billions.
Posted by: Alaska Paul in Irvine, CA ||
12/24/2004 13:52 Comments ||
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I dare any one to name one significant thing the Islamic World has achieved in the last 500 years on its own
create a well of hatred for Islam's bloody tenets?
Posted by: Frank G ||
12/24/2004 14:30 Comments ||
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My personal feeling has always been that we need to continue until we are able to colonize space. Then I would happily leave Earth to the idiots who so gleefully murder to make us all like them, and set up house somewhere they won't ever figure out how to get to, once we've left them behind.
ISLAMABAD - Pakistan on Thursday criticized India's defence minister for claiming in a news report that Belgium had decided not to sell used F-16 fighter jets to Islamabad after a request from India. "I don't know how authentic these claims are but India should stop opposing to our legitimate defence needs," Foreign Office spokesman Masood Khan told reporters in Islamabad.
His comments, aired on Pakistan's private channel Geo, followed an Indian television report quoting Indian Defence Minister Parnab Mukherjee as saying that Belgium had cancelled the sale of the U.S-made fighters to Pakistan "given the sensitivity of the geo-political situation in South Asia".
Pakistan sought last year to buy the fighters to augment its existing fleet of F-16 jets, which are capable of carrying all types of nuclear warheads. "India's huge defence shopping spree has created an imbalance in conventional weapons which must be corrected," Khan added.
India had also expressed concern over reports that the United States was considering selling F-16 fighter jets to Pakistan under a 1.2-billion-dollar defence package it recently approved in return for Islamabad's crucial support to the ongoing war on terror. "India is buying all sorts of weapons from the United States, Russia, South Africa, France etc., but on the other hand it was trying to prevent Pakistan from buying even the bare minimum defence requirements," Khan said.
He questioned India's "huge defence purchases" amid the ongoing peace dialogue with Pakistan and New Delhi's efforts to improve its ties with neighbouring China, with whom it fought a war in 1962.
I have a different question: what the hell are the Belgians doing? Are they buying Eurofighters to replace the F-16s or are they just surrendering their air force?
Posted by: Steve White ||
12/24/2004 12:07:54 AM ||
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SW: Are they buying Eurofighters to replace the F-16s or are they just surrendering their air force?
#2
Belgium is downsizing Air Force. To sell F-16s,they have to get US permission. Was a neat attempt to bypass Congressional ban on Pak weapons sales
Posted by: Stephen ||
12/24/2004 0:56 Comments ||
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Belgium is downsizing Air Force...again. To sell F-16s,they have to get US permission. Was a neat attempt to bypass Congressional ban on Pak weapons sales
Posted by: Stephen ||
12/24/2004 0:57 Comments ||
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"âIndia is buying all sorts of weapons from the United States, Russia, South Africa, France etc., but on the other hand it was trying to prevent Pakistan from buying even the bare minimum defence requirements,â Khan said."
Bwahahahahahahahaha!! Mommy, Mommy they won't play fair.
Unlike the terrs Pakis, India is not a war mongering nation. Nor will it sell its technology to terrs countries like Iran or Saudi Arabia. There is a huge difference in military intentions, regarding both countries.
"Are they buying Eurofighters to replace the F-16s or are they just surrendering their air force?"
Yes, they are replacing the F-16's with chocolate covered Eurofighters.
An Egyptian court yesterday sentenced a close aide to former Agriculture Minister Youssef Wali to 10 years in prison for corruption and asked the prosecution to question the former minister again in the case. Until his departure from the government in July, Wali was one of the most powerful members of the Cabinet, a deputy prime minister and a leading member of the ruling party. He had been in office for more than two decades. The Cairo criminal court found his aide, Youssef Abdel Rahman, guilty of taking $110,000 in bribes in connection with imports of insecticides found to be carcinogenic and allowing French and Japanese companies to dominate the market. The judge in the Cairo criminal court, Ezzat El-Ashmawi, said the prosecution should investigate Wali too because he had signed a document authorizing the imports. Abdel Rahman's assistant, Randa El-Shami, was sentenced to seven years in prison in the same case for taking bribes worth $125,000 and 60,000 Egyptian pounds ($9,654). Sixteen others received sentences of between one and five years.
Posted by: Fred ||
12/24/2004 12:09:07 AM ||
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(2004-12-22) -- The American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) today filed a class-action suit on behalf of monotheists seeking the removal of wetlands from government-owned property because they visually portray the 'primordial soup' where some believe life began and from which humanity evolved.
"These swamps represent a government endorsement of philosophical naturalism--a faith-based belief system tantamount to religion," said an unnamed ACLU spokesman. "Christians, Jews, Muslims and other monotheists shouldn't be forced to see such things, nor to fund them with their tax dollars."
The lawsuit claims that philosophical naturalism is a de facto religion that includes a dramatic, if fanciful, story of the origins of humanity which scholars call creation ex nihilo via nihilo (out of nothing by means of nothing).
"For many years, the government has been protecting and funding the restoration of these symbols of all that naturalists hold dear," said the source. "This violation of the establishment clause of the first amendment has extended to the government-controlled schools where this religion is taught as fact, rather than faith. The situational morality of naturalism has been forced on America's children using tax dollars. This is, in effect, an involuntary tithe to the church of naturalistic philosophy."
The ACLU does not oppose primordial soup displays on private property, just those funded with taxpayer dollars in national parks and on other government-controlled land.
The lawsuit seeks the destruction of all government-owned wetlands, and a refund to taxpayers of all school tax dollars paid during the past 50 years.
Posted by: Korora ||
12/24/2004 12:02:56 AM ||
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When the ACLU defends the right of free speech they are doing their job. But they have lost sight of that goal and now seek to impose their philosophical outlook on the rest of us (and yes I caught the ScappleFace)
Didn't get their way on putting religion on passports, so now they have to go out in the streets and bitch about it.
The Muttahida Majlis-e-Amal (MMA) will observe a 'protest day' today (Friday) throughout the country against the government on the issue of the deletion of the column for religion from the new machine-readable passports.
I'm really surprised that actually happened...
The decision to hold protests was taken at the All Parties Khatam-e-Naboovat Conference held recently. MMA workers will demonstrate throughout the country to voice their opinions. The MMA will stage a protest rally at Abpara and senior MMA leaders including Hafiz Hussain Ahmed and Liaqat Baloch will incite it to riot address it, a press release said. The decision to hold the protest rally in Islamabad was taken at a meeting in which local leaders of the MMA participated. It was also decided in the meeting that the workers of the MMA would stage protest rallies at four different places in Rawalpindi. Addressing the meeting, Mian Muhammad Aslam, Member of the National Assembly of the MMA from Islamabad, said the Pakistan Muslim League (PML) was also against the deletion of the religion column from the new passports. "The decision to delete the column is a continuation of the government's secular policies," he said. He added that the people of Pakistan would not accept these polices because they are part of an anti-Muslim campaign, which had started after the 9/11 incident.
Anything secular is considered anti-Muslim. They think Islam is like ketchup, you can put it on everything. And I still expect the gummint to cave...
Posted by: Fred ||
12/24/2004 10:39:38 PM ||
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Three men convicted of assaulting a housewife in Rahim Yar Khan's Thalli Mataman village in 1998 were hanged at Bahawalpur Central Jail on Thursday. "The men, Pervez Akhtar, Muhammad Sabir and Muhammad Aslam, were hanged till death at 5:00am in the presence of a local magistrate and doctor," Jail Superintendent Munir Ahmed Kahloon told Daily Times. According to the prosecution, four people including Pervez, Sabir, Aslam and Waseem jumped into the house of Ghulam Muhammad and took the family including Tasleem (Ghulam Muhammad's wife) and Yousaf (Ghulam Muhammad's eight-year-old son) hostage. The men then tied up Tasleem and assaulted her. They also made off with Rs 3,725, a watch and a bicycle. A court in Bahawalpur headed by Bakhtiar Ali Siyal awarded the death sentence, 10 years rigorous imprisonment and a Rs 5,000 fine to Pervez, Sabir and Aslam while Waseem was acquitted. The Lahore High Court's Bahawalpur Bench upheld the court's judgement and rejected the appeals of the accused. Later, the Supreme Court also rejected their appeals and the Pakistani president turned down their clemency pleas. The Home Department then issued their black warrants.
Posted by: Fred ||
12/24/2004 10:45:38 PM ||
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10 years rigorous imprisonment ...
Sounds like something America might need to investigate.
#2
We had a lot fewer repeat offenders when we required hard labor and authorized brutal enforcement of the rules. These pigs deserve nothing less than what they got.
A multi-volume chronology and reference guide set detailing three years of the Mexican Drug War between 2010 and 2012.
Rantburg.com and borderlandbeat.com correspondent and author Chris Covert presents his first non-fiction work detailing
the drug and gang related violence in Mexico.
Chris gives us Mexican press dispatches of drug and gang war violence
over three years, presented in a multi volume set intended to chronicle the death, violence and mayhem which has
dominated Mexico for six years.
Rantburg was assembled from recycled algorithms in the United States of America. No
trees were destroyed in the production of this weblog. We did hurt some, though. Sorry.
A militant Myanmar student group on Thursday claimed responsibility for a bombing in the capital Yangon and warned that more attacks will follow unless opposition leader 
An Egyptian court yesterday sentenced a close aide to former Agriculture Minister Youssef Wali to 10 years in prison for corruption and asked the prosecution to question the former minister again in the case. Until his departure from the government in July, Wali was one of the most powerful members of the Cabinet, a deputy prime minister and a leading member of the ruling party. He had been in office for more than two decades. The Cairo criminal court found his aide, Youssef Abdel Rahman, guilty of taking $110,000 in bribes in connection with imports of insecticides found to be carcinogenic and allowing French and Japanese companies to dominate the market. The judge in the Cairo criminal court, Ezzat El-Ashmawi, said the prosecution should investigate Wali too because he had signed a document authorizing the imports. Abdel Rahman's assistant, Randa El-Shami, was sentenced to seven years in prison in the same case for taking bribes worth $125,000 and 60,000 Egyptian pounds ($9,654). Sixteen others received sentences of between one and five years.
Three men convicted of assaulting a housewife in Rahim Yar Khan's Thalli Mataman village in 1998 were hanged at Bahawalpur Central Jail on Thursday. "The men, Pervez Akhtar, Muhammad Sabir and Muhammad Aslam, were hanged till death at 5:00am in the presence of a local magistrate and doctor," Jail Superintendent Munir Ahmed Kahloon told Daily Times. According to the prosecution, four people including Pervez, Sabir, Aslam and Waseem jumped into the house of Ghulam Muhammad and took the family including Tasleem (Ghulam Muhammad's wife) and Yousaf (Ghulam Muhammad's eight-year-old son) hostage. The men then tied up Tasleem and assaulted her. They also made off with Rs 3,725, a watch and a bicycle. A court in Bahawalpur headed by Bakhtiar Ali Siyal awarded the death sentence, 10 years rigorous imprisonment and a Rs 5,000 fine to Pervez, Sabir and Aslam while Waseem was acquitted. The Lahore High Court's Bahawalpur Bench upheld the court's judgement and rejected the appeals of the accused. Later, the Supreme Court also rejected their appeals and the Pakistani president turned down their clemency pleas. The Home Department then issued their black warrants.
