 [Babylon Bee] WASHINGTON, D.C. — In yet another stage in the escalating trade conflict with China, President Donald Trump issued a statement insisting that the next Chinese pandemic be made in America.
According to President Trump, Americans deserve more than "cheap, knock-off kung flu." As such, the president also vowed to bring virus-manufacturing jobs back from Wuhan to the United States.
"Why import these viruses when we can make them right here at home?" Trump said in brief remarks to reporters. "Everybody complains to me about these sad, cheaply made Chinese global pandemics. They say, 'Don, when are you going to bring virus manufacturing back from China?' We're going to stop this virus deficit with China and prioritize American jobs by making sure that the next Chinese pandemic is made right here, by Americans. It'll be much better when it's made right here at home."
Insiders said Trump intends to raise tariffs on Chinese pandemics by at least 47%. Trump also expressed confidence that the U.S. can produce a much better pandemic. "What are we doing outsourcing the creation of our pandemics to Chinese labs, anyway?" Trump continued. "The mortality rate for their virus was, what, two-point-something percent? We can do a lot better than that, believe me."
Sources close to the trade negotiations said China had already pushed back on Trump's demand, vowing to increase pandemic production over the next year.
At publishing time, Trump had reportedly told White House staff that the production of any upcoming pandemic would be subject to government efficiency standards put in place by DOGE. 
|
