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2005-05-31 Home Front: Culture Wars

Ward Churchill's Great Native Characters in US History (cont'd)

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Posted by thibaud (aka lex) 2005-05-31 01:13|| || Front Page|| [3 views since 2007-05-07] Top

#1 This one's called, It Takes a Village".

From www.huffingtonstoast.com - another winning Hunter S parody at the top of the day. Excerpt:

âHitchens!â I exclaimed, drawing my QVC tanto and waving it before him in playful figure-eights, âWhat possible excuse can you give me for getting off this plane without your hollowed-out skull in my carry-on bag?â âI can think of one,â he said, reaching into his coat pocket. He took out a Baggie and dropped it on my lap.

Could it be? The color was right. I held it to my face and sniffed. Ah, yes. There was no mistaking that friendly, familiar aroma. âMy God!â, I exclaimed, âWhatâs a puffy public-school pederast like you doing with a bag of fine Afghani hash?â âIâm returning from Kabul,â he said, âwhere I spent a few weeks talking to friendly warlords up by the Pakistan border. Real journalists do things like that. Anyway, they wouldnât hear of me leaving without a little parting gift.â

âI think I may just let you live,â I muttered, putting down the tanto and pressing the button for the stewardess. By then Hitchens was busy vomiting gin and airline peanuts into a seat pocket. The stewardess steamed her way up the aisle and hove to by my armrest. My God, the size of the bitch. Old, too. Damn, I miss the Sixties.

âSir,â she mooed, âIâll have to ask you to give me that knife! I donât know how you got on the plane with that, but carrying a knife on a commercial flight is a federal crime!â

âEverything is under control,â I told her, flashing my press credentials too fast for her to read, âIâm an Air Marshall. Special Agent Marcus Garvey, at your service. Donât worry about the knife. We all carry them, for decapitating suspected Muslims and people who refuse to turn off their cell phones. Just treat me like a regular passenger and avoid calling attention to me, and Iâll see to it that we arrive safe and sound in LA, with no more bloodletting than is appropriate under the circumstances.â

âI see,â she said, âIs there anything you need me to do?â âYes,â I told her, âI left part of my field kit in a whorehouse in Vero Beach, so Iâll need some supplies.â âIâll do what I can, special agent,â she said, âwhat do you need?â âJust a few simple items,â I said, âseventy miniatures of your best liquor, all the lemons you have on the plane, ten cups of ice, and the morphine from the first aid kit. Donât ask a lot of stupid civilian questions. You wouldnât understand. Youâre a fine woman and a great patriot. President Bush would be proud of you. Now trot your big ass back to the galley and get daddy what he needs so he doesnât have to cut anyone.â

Posted by thibaud (aka lex) 2005-05-31 01:19|| 2005-05-31 01:19|| Front Page Top

#2 Ward Churchill's Indian Art

Posted by badanov">badanov 2005-05-31 08:23|| http://www.rkka.org]">[http://www.rkka.org] 2005-05-31 08:23|| Front Page Top

#3 huffingstoast is one of the funniest, freshest bits of ass-ripping satire I've seen lately. Arianna's such an idiot, she thinks the fact that toast gets more traffic is a compliment

Posted by Frank G">Frank G 2005-05-31 22:00|| 2005-05-31 22:00|| Front Page Top

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